MAKES ME LOSE MY BREATH AND SHAKE LIKE A LEAF

It has been a while.  I have been working very hard to get my life back on track.

• The nightmares and night frights have decreased.  I am still unable to enter a dark room or take a shower without being in fear. I can't be in the house without the alarm on at night.  I am thankful I have two dogs.
• I have been moving things around in the house.  I took down all the photos and memorabilia of the two of us.  I have the frames laying on a bar and I have to take them out of the frames.  Baby steps.  It is hard to see the two of us together and smiling.  It is hard to explain it to people.  I am not sad about us not being together.  I am sad that it ended the way it did.  I am angry that I am left this way.  I am furious that I am having to go through domestic violence.  I moved my office into the room that she used to watch HOURS of TV.  I got rid of the couch that she spent HOURS on.  It is now my office.  I made my office into a guest room and I bought all new furniture.  I bought myself a new mattress that arrives in two days.  
• I took some pictures to be framed.  I wanted to put up pictures/art that reflects me.  It is making me smile.  I bought a map of the world and had it mounted and framed.  I took out the glass and now I can put in pins on the places I want to visit.  Fun!
• I planned trips.  I already went to Oregon.  Next I go to Vegas were I am going to meet my siblings.  Then I am going to Florida in a few months.  In Florida I am going to Disney World, I am going to see two friends and two relatives.  
• I put up security cameras and they broke and now I bought new cameras.  I have to put them up this weekend.  I like having the cameras even though they go against my privacy concerns.  I need to feel safe.
• I have been working on fixing the things in the house that need to be fixed.  I could not have workers in the home with Tracy so now I have to fix one thing after another.  Little by little.
• I bought some clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are too big for a while now.  I lost a bunch of weight in the last year due to a change in diet.  Now my clothes hang on me.  I finally went and bought some clothes that make me look good!

I have run into Tracy.  I found out she is living one block away.  I was walking down the street and Tracy was walking up the block and saw me.  She didn't veer away, she just walked right by me.  I could have reached out and touched her.  She just glared at me.  The same "if looks could kill" look that she gave me in court.  A neighbor had mentioned that she lost some weight.  I was shocked when I saw her.  Well, not really shocked but surprised.  Either she is not eating or she is using drugs again.  She looks like she dropped 40 pounds since June.  I have seen her other times like when I am in my car I see her walking and she glares at me.  It still makes me lose my breath and shake like a leaf.  I just want to run and lock myself in my house.

I report it to the police each time she violates the restraining order.  I went to the DA to try and get them to do something about it.  The DA will not press charges.  Even after she walked by me on the street and called the house.  

My frustration with the system is beyond.  I can't begin to tell you.  

I am trying to move in a direction where I become an activist and try to help change the system.  It just takes one person to make change.  Isn't that what they say?  I could be that one person.

more to come...

WHAT RESTRAINING ORDER?

Of course she had to come back.  She came back sometime yesterday and put an item in my mailbox.  I guess she didn't want it.  She broke the restraining order once again.  I can't prove it because I didn't see her.

The security cameras I bought stopped working when I got my new phone.  I have to get that fixed.  I spent hours on the phone with tech support.  I got one camera working but the others are not working.  Had I got her on the camera, I could have pressed charges.  She just doesn't get it.  She snubs her nose at the restraining order.  She doesn't care that the court told her to stay away.

Also she didn't give me back something.  She made an agreement that if I gave her a necklace she would give me back a ring.  I gave her the necklace and guess what?  No ring.  I guess I should not be surprised.

more to come...

HER STUFF IS FINALLY GONE

Today she came to pick up her stuff.  After months of making demands of wanting this item or that item.  After months of dodging the requests to get her stuff out of my home.  After months of negotiations. She finally showed up and took her stuff.

It took me getting a security guard, a neighbor and hiring a helper.

The helper came yesterday to move all the boxes into the middle of the garage.  I cordoned off the rest of the garage. That was step 1.

Step two was finding a neighbor to agree to come and be the greeter.  The security guard would not come unless there was someone who knew Tracy in attendance.  I asked a few neighbors and I heard every excuse.  One neighbor said they didn't feel safe being around her.  Fair enough.  I don't either!  Another didn't want to get in the middle of this.  A few had work commitments. Can fault them for that!  One would only do it if I told Tracy and she agreed to him being there.  Forget that!  Another had his stag party that night.  I told him, forget it you are off the list.  I want him to enjoy his party and not think about my mess.

The third step was getting the security guard and getting everyone there on time.

Believe it or not, it all worked out.  I was gone at 8:45 am and Tracy was supposed to show up at 9 am.  I hear she came with a neighbor.  The same neighbor who's phone she used to call me.  They made three trips in his little truck.  Since they made short trips, they must  have transported the boxes to his house.  Oh, did I mention his house is only 1.25 blocks away.  Probably just over the 100 yards (in the restraining order) away.  She must be living there.  I am just shocked.  She hardly knew him.  I was the one friendly with him.

The security guard said she was angry.  She would not look at him and would not shake his hand.  It took about 1.75 hours.  I took the dogs for a long walk and then we sat in my car.

I came home and took out the Wii and played a couple of games of bowling.  Then later I saged the house to cleanse it.  After I decided I wanted to go to  a fancy dinner by myself.  I remembered this fancy restaurant that Tracy would never go to.  I called and they had room for me.  I got some clean clothes on and out I went.  I met a really nice bartender Phil, and I got great food.  He even gave me a free sorbet.

It is weird.  I thought I would feel SO Happy.  I don't. Maybe I will tomorrow.  I feel sad and weird and like something is missing.

more to come...

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Now I am constantly thinking about how I can get involved.  What I can do to make a difference.  I had this horrible thing, this devastating thing, happen to me and now I want to do something to make it better for the next person.  I hear that for most people after a horrendous incident doing something makes them feel better, makes them whole faster.

I just don't know what to do.  No one seems to want my help.  I called a pet safe program that is supposed to take in your pet if you need to run and don't have anywhere to put your pet.  Well, I found out that that is not true.  I would have had to be in a shelter in order to put my pet in the pet shelter.  I think that is ridiculous.  So people who are running for their lives can only have their dogs taken care of for the night if they meet some socio-economic level.  Does that seem bizarre to anyone but me?  Because I didn't stay in a shelter (that I didn't even know existed) I couldn't board my dogs?  So crazy.  More bureaucratic bullshit.

This all goes back to the day the cops came to my home to help me get my go bag.  They were supposed to give me three pamphlets.  They did not.  The cop in charge asked me if I had a plan and I said yes and he said fine.  No pamphlets.  No help.  My plan fell through and I was left crying in my car with two dogs and I had not had any food since the night before.  What was I going to do?  I could not think.  If not for the hospitality of strangers, I would have slept in my car and been unsafe all night.

Something needs to change.  I want to help make that change.

more to come...

INSPECTOR FROM SVU

Today I get a phone call from an inspector from the SVU department.  She tells me that I have two choices a) do nothing and the report goes to the court and the judge sees it and b) I go down to SVU and the DA and make another report.  The DA then makes a determination if he wants to arrest her.  I told the inspector I wanted to wait until after Tracy picks up her stuff on Friday.  The inspector says if Tracy comes to the house and picks up her stuff, even if I am not there, I will be putting the restraining order in jeopardy.

I got all upset.  But it states in the restraining order that she is supposed to come and pick up her stuff.  I called my attorney, some friends.  I was a bloody mess.  Crying every where and for no reason.

Then I get a phone call from a Domestic Violence Advocate.  Out of the blue.  Well, not out of the blue, I guess the SVU Inspector gave her my number.  Funny that five months after I got my original TRO I finally get a call from a domestic violence advocate.  Of course I balled on the phone to her too.  I said I was a mess this week.  I swear if there was a Hallmark ad on TV I would have cried at that too.

more to come...

FALLOUT FROM THE PHONE CALL

After Tracy called I called my attorney.  She said to call the police and make a report.  Then my step mother called and said yet again Tracy called her to ask her to call me.  These are both against the restraining order rules.  It was clear I would have to report this to the police.

On my way to work, I called and sat on hold for 20 minutes.  I gave up.  Later on I called again and got through.  The lady told me I needed to go into the precinct to make a report.  On my way home I dropped by the precinct.  They told me it would take hours to have an officer free to take a report.  They said it would be better for me to go home and have an officer come to my house.  I went home and called to have an officer come to my home to make a report.  I called at 6-6:30 pm.  At 2:30 am my doorbell rang.  It was the officers coming by to take the report.  I was in my PJs.

They listened to the recording (I forgot to say that Tracy left a voicemail on my machine before I picked up the phone) and listened to my story and dates and times of the phone calls.  They told me this report would go to the DA and the court.  Then they left.

more to come...

SHE CALLED

I came home from walking the dogs and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up and looked at the caller ID.  It was a neighbor's phone number.  I answered and it was Tracy on the phone. I was so shocked because a) the caller ID said a neighbor's name and b) she isn't supposed to be calling me because of the restraining order.  I informed her that she is in violation of the restraining order and she said she knew but she needed to tell me something.  She thought me attorney was not telling me everything.

See, Tracy was supposed to confirm that she was going to pick up her boxes on Friday by Tuesday.  This was now Thursday and the move had been called off.  For her to be able to pick up her stuff there are a lot of moving pieces that had to come together.  That was why there was a deadline. Now she wanted me to put the moving pieces back together in 24 hours.  I was inclined to do it just to get her junk out of my home.

I could not pull it together.  So we rescheduled for next Friday.

more to come...

MY FAMILY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

I am angry.  I can't seem to get over how angry I am.  I don't have a victim attitude.  My friends and my therapist say it so I know I am not just kidding myself.  But I am the victim in this situation.  I was the one who was yelled at and terrorized.  I was the one who lived in fear.  I was the one who had to go to court to get a restraining order.  I was the one who listened to Tracy threaten the life of my bird.  I was the one who watched my 10 pound dog attack Tracy to protect me.  I am the victim in this situation.

I know Tracy has some sort of mental illness or something.  I know that.  I feel for her.  I gave her every opportunity to get help.  I know it is part of the illness to not want help.  I know people should feel sorry for her because now she is homeless.  I get it.

But in someways Tracy put herself in this situation.  Over the years she never saved barely a penny.  The few times she did save any significant amount she always tapped into it and spent it on something.  Usually beer and weed.  I find it hard to feel sorry for someone who didn't work, lived off me and spent any money she got (made or was given) on beer and weed.  Meanwhile I paid for her health insurance, dental work, and kept her in a house with cable, Netflix, and food.  A very comfortable lifestyle.  I also took her on trips.

I am angry because some folks in my family are feeling bad for Tracy.  They feel like Tracy is a victim.  Like oh poor Tracy.  Screw that!  Oh poor Campbell!  That is how it should be.  I am the victim in this situation.

If I hear one more person in my family say they feel bad for Tracy, I may crack.  She still has not picked up her crap and is insisting she wants more items from the house.  The 85 boxes of crap just isn't enough for her.  Now she wants lamps and furniture.  If she is homeless where is she going to put furniture?  I know she is not well but it is so hard to deal with when I want to move on with my life.  And I have family members telling me "oh poor Tracy".  Easy for them to say when they don't have to live with 85 boxes in their house that they have to see every day.

I just want my family to admit that I was the victim in this situation.  Not that I want to be a victim.  I just want to hear them say Campbell you were a victim of a domestic violence situation.  That is all.

more to come...

IT IS NEVER GOING TO END

Tracy has finally contacted my attorney. After all these weeks.  Almost two months to the day from the day I got the restraining order.  Her stuff, her 85 boxes should have been gone a month ago.  Now she is finally able to get the email that has the inventory.  The first thing she says is it is missing things.  Good gosh.  85 boxes of stuff and she wants more.  MORE!  She wants two lamps.  She wants some "wedding presents".  I don't know what that means.  We didn't really get married but we had a ceremony to make a point and people gave us presents.  I guess she wants some of them.  She told me that she wanted a certain vase so she could throw it in the street.  Nice.

She also wanted to make sure a certain video tape got destroyed.  I already took care of that.  I took it to a company that destroys those types of things right in front of you.  I got a certified letter that it was destroyed.

I just feel like this is never going to end.  It is never going to end.  She is making this so difficult. It is just going to drag on forever.  I am going to have to live with 85 boxes in my home.  My garage is full of boxes and my dining room has boxes in a corner.  I am just over it.

more to come...

SLEEP

I wish I could sleep.  There are three scenarios.

1. I go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I am not very tired.  I get into bed and type my blog or read a magazine while I watch TV.  Then it is 11:30 and the dogs need to go out back.  I let them out and brush my teeth, take my medicine and pee.  I get into bed and watch TV.  Next thing I know it is 1:30 am.  The TV is on and I have to pee.  I get up, pee and set the TV timer.  I roll over and try to go back to sleep.

2. At 3 pm I am so exhausted I fall asleep working.  I literally can't keep my eyes open.  I nap for 20 - 30 minutes.  At 11 pm I go to bed, let the dogs out, get into bed, now I am not tired.  I am awake watching TV until 1:30 am.

3. I feel tired so I go down to watch TV in bed at 8 pm.  By 9 pm I am sound asleep in my clothes.  I wake up at 11 pm.  Now I am wide awake.

Then there is the insomnia.  Sometimes I wake up because I have to pee.  Sometimes it is because the dog wakes up and makes some noise (like last night Lulu started barking for no reason I could fathom).  Or my new problem, the nightmares.

I keep having nightmares that Tracy is standing by my bed or is in the room.  I wake up sweating and scared out of my mind.  I know it can't happen since I have an alarm system and two crazy barky dogs but I can't seem to make my unconscious understand this.  The nightmares are so scary and give me panic attacks.  I can't get back to sleep.

I have been told that I should breathe and tell myself that it was just a dream and that it can't possibly be true or come true.

I usually open my book and read until I fall asleep.  Thinking about something else is helpful for me.
I just need to figure out this sleeping thing.  I feel like I haven't slept in months.  When Tracy lived here I didn't sleep because she was always awake and yelling and talking.  Now I have peace and I still can't sleep because my unconscious won't let me sleep.  Crazy thing, huh?!

more to come...

NEED TO GET RID OF TRACYS STUFF

For weeks I have been trying to figure out how to get rid of Tracy's stuff.  All 80 boxes.  It has become quite complicated.  Tracy has no address, I guess she is homeless and couch surfing.  I am unable to send her a certified letter.  She has told my attorney her email is messed up or she lost her iPad or something so my attorney can not send her an email.  Since there is no way to send her correspondence, there is no way to tell her to get her stuff out of the house.  She had a deadline but she left a message for my attorney stating she could not make the deadline and could she have a few more weeks.

Now I am stuck with her stuff.  I have been trying to figure out how to find out where she hangs out or where she is working or living so I can serve her with papers.  If I can't find out an address for her, I will have to go back to court and have the judge make a ruling.  This will take a long time.   I called the private investigator to see if he can help but without an address, there is nothing he can do.

I am stuck in limbo until I get an address or go to court.  I just want to get rid of her stuff out of my house.  I am tired of looking at it and thinking about it.

more to come...

ADJUSTING TO LIFE AS A SINGLE PERSON

It has been an adjustment living life as a single person.  It is different when you break up and you take the time to split everything up and one of you moves out.  Things move at a certain speed.  When Tracy fell apart and stopped doing things around the house (or should I say, stopped doing constructive things around the house) and then I had to have her removed, it was so sudden.  There was no splitting up of items and talking about how and when we were going to separate.  I was just suddenly left holding the ball.

I was left with all the animals to take care of, my business (I work for myself) to sort out, the house to take care of and begin fixing things that had gone into disarray, and packing up all Tracy's stuff.  The animals needed some TLC to lower their anxiety and stress.  My business had been neglected so I needed to get back to work.

I also have been adjusting to life by myself.  I already did most of the stuff around the house but Tracy did some things: took out the garbage, picked up the dog poop, stocked the tp, tissues and paper towels, washed the sheets and towels, changed the sheets, fed the dogs sometimes when I could not get home in time, let the dogs out if I worked all day, and dealt with the water delivery.  Now those things fall to me.  It has taken a while to get in the habit of doing some of those things.

I am getting used to my new life going out with friends, having to be home to let the dogs out or feed them.  I have to plan outings around spending time with my pups.

One good thing is that I can be down my bed at night.  Tracy always went to bed really early so I had to stay upstairs to watch TV.  Now I can come downstairs whenever I want and watch TV.  Tracy never let the dogs on the bed.  I bought a throw and taught the dogs they can get on the bed as long as they are on the throw.  That way I can wash the throw and won't get the bedspread dirty.  I want my pups to come lay by me.

I am adjusting little by little.  It is a process that takes a while.

more to come...

VISIT TO THE SVU POLICE

I decided I wanted to talk to someone at the police department.  I contacted the Chief of Police and he passed me off to the Interim Captain of the Special Victims Unit.  He was very nice.  He was interested why there were no domestic violence calls to the police department from my home.  I explained to him that I was warned by some ex-police and ex-FBI that the police would not be able to do anything if I called them and that would potentially anger Tracy further.  I never called the police because I didn't want to anger Tracy any more than necessary.

I made an appointment with Capt. SVU.  When we met, he was very nice.  I told him that he could not understand what I went through unless he went through it. In fact I did not understand until I went through it.  He then explained that he went through a horrible divorce with a restraining order so he understood.  I was quite upset when he tried to equate my domestic violence situation with his bad divorce.  Now I know people have bad divorces.  Some are horrible with the parties claiming all sorts of stuff.  But no matter what he went through, it was not the same thing as the extreme psychological and emotional abuse I went through being trapped in my own home.  Not to mention, I doubt any cop feels terrified when they carry a gun.  They have the power.  They are not worried they are going to be stabbed at any time.  They are not worried that their partner is going to meet them at the door with a weapon.  Maybe they are worried that their partner is going to hurt them in their sleep but they at least have a weapon and training.  I had nothing.  If Tracy had decided to hurt me, she outweighed me and could out maneuver me.  She had the upper hand.  I was at a complete disadvantage.

After that part of the conversation, I began to tell him my concerns.  How the cops who came to my home to help me get my stuff on the day the Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) was served told me I was violating the restraining order because I lived in the house after the TRO was granted but had not been served.  I told him that was ridiculous.  If I told Tracy that I had a TRO that was granted but had not been served she would have gone ballistic.  What was I supposed to do?  Move out?  I think Tracy would have noticed I was gone for three days.

Then the cops didn't check the whole house and I found out when I came back that Tracy had been in the house the whole time.  That is scary to me.  I had already told them she was aggressive to the process server.  Knowing this didn't make me feel safe.  What if she had come upstairs while I was in the house?

The cops who came to remove Tracy from the home never gave me a list of services.  So when my Plan A fell through I had no Plan B.  Where was I going to go?  What was I going to do?  I was in my car with two dogs crying.  If I had a list of services I could have called someone to help me.

The cops told me to go to three different locations to get a police report that took days and I almost didn't get my police report on time for court.

I also had good experiences.  The two cops that removed Tracy were fantastic.  They must have had special training.  They were so patient.

The deputy in the court house escorted my attorney and I out of the court house so Tracy could calm down while we left.  That was a good call.

Capt. SVU took notes but my feeling was that he was not interested in doing anything about it.  I told him that I was interested in helping the police department in making it a better system.  What can I do?  He gave me some useless information and sent me on my way.  

I am going to find another way.  He didn't get it.  How could be in charge of SVU?

more to come...

IT"S ALL ABOUT YOU

Why isn't it ever about me?

I think back about the times it should have been about me but you made it all about you.  You were anxious, you were nervous, you had to leave, you didn't want to go, you couldn't be left alone.

There was my graduation from graduate school.  You made it all about you by throwing a fit when things didn't go your way.  My parents came all the way to see me walk down the aisle.  They planned a nice dinner and allowed me to invite a few friends at a very fancy restaurant.  But you had to make it all about you because you didn't want to be left alone with them and wanted me to be with you.  But I needed to be with my classmates to walk down the aisle.  You bought me a lei of flowers and my parents bought me a bouquet.  It was a competition in your eyes.  Why couldn't it just be a nice celebration?

Then there was the time I was in the hospital and you wanted me to checkout so you wouldn't have to stay home alone.  I understood you were anxious but who would checkout of the hospital early just so you would not have to stay home alone?  You were serious about me coming home.  You kept pressuring me to leave the hospital.

When I would go to the emergency room, you used to come with me but then you stopped.  I had to go on my own or have neighbors take me.  They all thought it was weird that you would let your loved one go to the emergency room while you sat home watching TV.  But when you need to go to any doctor's appointment it was clear that I had to escort you because you were so anxious about going.

When did this shift happen?  When did I become so insignificant in our relationship?  When did it become all about you?

more to come...

MORE VIOLATIONS OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER

Today I came out of the house to walk the dogs and I found a big surprise.  In 2011 when we had the concrete replaced in front of the house, Tracy and I carved our initials and the date in the concrete.  Today my initials were painted over.  Tracy's initials were still there and so was the date.  Who do you think did that?  Yesterday my initials were there.

That means that Tracy was in front of the house, violating the restraining order.  Or some random person covered my initials.  I called the police and they came over to make a report.  They convinced me to get security cameras in the windows.  They told me that painting over my initials and violating the restraining order is an act of serious anger.  Tracy has nothing to lose so she is willing to risk going to jail.

Then I find out that Tracy called my step-mother to ask her to talk to me and ask me not to throw away her stuff.  Another violation of the restraining order.  Tracy is not allowed to contact any friends or family to have them contact me on her behalf.  I am also not allowed to contact her family to contact her.  We are supposed to be leaving each other alone.  She is only supposed to be talking to my attorney.

I have one family member who keeps offering to help by calling Tracy's family and getting them to contact Tracy to help her to get her boxes out of the house.  I appreciate the help but she is going to get me in trouble by being so helpful.  I don't want to go to jail for violating the restraining order.

It is all so stressful.  I just want this over.  She needs to move on.  I need to move on.  I need the boxes gone.  I need to be able to reorganize when the boxes are gone.  I need a vacation.  I need something.  Less stress.

more to come...

ITEMS AND INVENTORY

When I boxed up all Tracy's stuff, I had to inventory and photograph all the stuff.  I have to admit that I didn't inventory every single item.  I boxed up clothes and wrote down clothes from dresser in bedroom.  I took a photo of the items in the box.

There were 78 boxes plus some items so it took two days to box up all the stuff, inventory it all and take the photographs.  And this was with two people.  It didn't help that half way through the first day, I dropped the camera and wiped out the photographs.  We had to open those boxes and retake the photos.  That put us back a bit.

After we were done, I typed the list of the boxes.  I sent it to my attorney and she sent it to Tracy.  This was supposed to facilitate Tracy coming to pick up her boxes.

Days went by and then Tracy called my attorney to say her email was not working or she lost her password or her iPad wasn't working or some excuse so she could not access her email and see the list.  My attorney tried to explain that she could access her email from any computer but Tracy got upset and unreasonable.  My attorney tried to get her to tell her a friend's email address but Tracy refused.  Then she tried to get Tracy to give her an address.  Tracy refused because she said she was homeless.  I think she is probably homeless but also paranoid and mentally ill.

Since there is no way to contact Tracy, I am stuck with her contents until she can be sent the inventory and a letter telling her she has 30 days to get the stuff out of my home.  Every day I have to see the boxes in my garage and in my dining room.  Ugh!

Just another way to continue to abuse the relationship.  I understand that she is probably homeless and stretched for money.  But I would honestly pay for a storage facility if she would just go rent one and get the crap out of my house.  But I refuse to once again "take care" of everything for her.  I will not hire movers, rent a truck, move her stuff to a storage unit that I pay for while she sits back and takes advantage of me once again.  I will stare at that stuff every day before I do that.

more to come...

GETTING THINGS IN ORDER

This week is all about getting the house back to it's new normal.  I have a lot of cleaning to do. For a house cleaner Tracy was SO not clean.  I think she was a surface cleaner.  She was not a deep cleaner.  I was duped into believing the house was clean since she was getting up at 4 am to clean each morning.  I have been moving furniture and cleaning under it and behind it.  Mopping the floors.
I am setting up appointments to get things fixed.  I called the cable company to get the cable box in the downstairs fixed.  It took three phone calls and then a visit by the cable man.  He finally got it fixed and now I can watch On-demand shows again.

When he was leaving I locked the door and went outside the garage to close it and locked myself out of the house.  When I changed the locks, I put in self-locking locks and proceeded to lock myself out.  The very nice cable guy helped me try to break in and stayed with me until the locksmith showed up.  It was a very expensive lesson.  I won't do that again!  It is the second time I locked my keys out in a month.  The last time I was horribly sleep deprived when I locked my keys in the trunk of my car while rushing to get from a client's to a doctor's appointment two towns over.  I had to call a locksmith then too because AAA could not help me.  The locksmith got me my keys and I missed the doctors appointment.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned.  I was months late in getting that fun chore completed.  I went later because it was something Tracy and I did together and I was stalling because I didn't want to take Tracy.  Not that I didn't want her teeth cleaned but I didn't want to deal with making an appointment with her and then getting her to go to the appointment.  It was always a chore.

I went to finally get my ankle looked at.  My ankle has been in pain for months.  I know I injured it but I also knew I could not do anything about it until I dealt with my living situation.  What was I going to do?  Let Tracy take care of me while I was incapacitated?  I would have been crazy to allow Tracy full control over me while she was acting in an abusive manner.  Who knows what she would have done?  Not to mention I would not have been able to get out of the house if she had gotten violent if I was in bed with a cast on my leg or on crutches.  So, I finally went to the doctor and I will be having surgery as soon as I get my life in order.

I hired Sally the assistant to come and work again, this time on the backyard.  She and I cleared out the backyard.  It had gotten overgrown over the last nine months.  I was calling it The Jungle.  The dogs didn't even want to go out back.  Sally and I spent the whole day clearing it out.  It looked great.  Sally did all the heavy lifting.  She came back on Sunday and finished up the last little bit.  It looks so great.

Then I got a haircut.  A much needed haircut.

I just had to take care of some much needed things to get the house in order and get me in order.  Baby steps.

more to come...

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE AND GAY PRIDE

The Supreme Court made their decision on same-sex marriage!  It is legal in all 50 states to get married!  Whoo hoo!  The party was in the streets.  I felt so free.  Not because I was going to get married.  No sir.  I just got out of a 22 year relationship.  I am in no condition to get back into any relationship but a friendship.  But I worked for many years to make same-sex marriage legal for those that want to get married.  I marched, I worked the polls, I wrote letters, I went to protests, Tracy and I even got married before it was legal.  Our marriage was annulled by the state.  It was legal for a very short while.  Twenty-two years ago we were at a protest in front of the IRS in Washington, D.C. at a mass wedding.   I have been fighting this for a long time.

I was married to a man before for a short time and went through a lengthy divorce.  I have no interest in getting married again.  I made that clear to Tracy from the beginning.  I only married in protest to be part of the civil disobedience.  I always felt that Tracy married for real.

Then came Gay Pride weekend.  Usually Tracy would have wanted to stay home and watch it on TV.  She hated crowds and going to events.  She would say "we can go next year".   This year I went to the celebration in the streets for Same-Sex Marriage, the day before Gay Pride and to the Gay Pride parade.

At the Same-Sex Marriage celebration I met a new friend, Jay.  We started talking and hit it off.  I hope we can connect again soon.

At the the Day Before Pride Celebration I hung out by myself.  I just walked around.

At the Gay Pride Parade I met up with my friend Herbert and his friends, Dee and Jeannie.  I hit it off with Jeannie (in a friendship way.)  We had a good time talking during the parade.  It was good to catch up with Herbert not while at a movie.

It felt freeing to go to these events without someone holding me back and keeping me from going.  I know you probably say why didn't you just go and leave her home?  Tracy would be very needy and if I did go she would get angry and call me many times while I was gone.  Or I would get home and she would not be speaking to me.  Sometimes I would go to events without her but other times it just was not worth the reaction I would get.  My therapist calls it avoidance.  I call it picking my battles.

more to come...

DOGS AND MOVIES

This week was about getting the dogs in order.  The past six months effected the dogs in different ways.  Lulu, the little dog, became very aggressive toward Tracy.  At first I didn't know why and took her to a behaviorist to try and figure it out.  It became clear that she was protecting me from Tracy.  This little 9 pound dog would run up to Tracy and growl and try to bite her.

The bigger dog, Bubba, was very torn between us.  Bubba has always been closer to me and wanted to protect me but at the same time she wanted to spend time with Tracy.  She was confused.  She also didn't like all the yelling.

Toward the end of the six months Lulu became quite scared with Tracy's aggressive behavior and would jump up on furniture to get away from her.  Bubba would move her bedding as close to me as she could.

Bubba was acting so weird over the last few weeks.  Was she sick?  Was she heart broken?  Was her back bothering her (she had a bad back)?  I didn't know so I decided to take her to the vet and get her checked out.  They ran some blood and stuff and she came out fine.  We all agreed that it was probably a combination of bad back and heart broken.

Then I took Lulu to get her nails done and to get a bath.  That dog can smell so bad.  She doesn't get dirty but she smells so bad.  I call her stinky.  That should be her name.  They said she was so good.  I am not sure I believe them, I think they were being nice.  Lulu is a growly dog when she gets her nails done.  Her nails were so long it was an embarrassment!

I went to see another movie for free: Ted 2.  Now normally I probably would not go see Ted or Ted 2 in a movie theater but it was for free so why not.  It was fun for free!

At the end of the week I invited my 14 year old neighbor over to watch a movie.  He wanted to watch Big Hero 6.  It was a cute movie.  Boys are so funny at that age.  Sometimes you can't get them to shut up and other times you can't get them to say two words in a sentence.

This was a week of getting the dogs settled and back to normal and continuing to get myself back to normal by doing normal things.

more to come...

ISOLATION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The day before court I had an appointment with my primary doctor and he gave me some anti-anxiety drugs.  I was resistant at first to take the script but in the end I decided it was better to take the prescription than to not have it if I needed it.

The panic attacks were getting worse.  I would be driving and suddenly I would start breathing fast and crying.  I would be watching TV and have a panic attack.  They happened at the most random times.

The day after court I had the second half of my mediation training.  For homework I had to watch The House of Sand and Fog.  It is a great movie but probably not the best movie for me to watch in my "condition".  It is a movie about a woman who because of a tragedy loses her home.  An immigrant family buys it in an auction.  The woman tries to get it back through legal means and when that doesn't work, she and her new found friend, try to through other means.  Various horrible things happen as a result.  There is a lot of screaming and anger and violence.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night.  Bad dreams that Tracy entered the house in the night.

Mediation training was okay but I still had a problem with people yelling in the role plays.  I just fell apart.  I think it will take a long time for me to get over the yelling thing.  The entire group was so supportive.  I cried when the training was over.  I was such an emotional wreck.  I had such a support system and now it was going to end.  I felt like they were all being ripped away.

My whole family lives very far away and I kept my emotional and psychological violence situation with my partner from them.  The only people who knew was my friend Viola and at the very end, my Dad and his wife.  No one else knew what I was going through so I was very alone.

As what happens with so many people in domestic violence I was isolated.  I was isolated in the relationship and I was isolated because my partner was so paranoid that I was worried that if I spoke to anyone she would find out.  The couple of times she found out I spoke to someone (not even about her) she would rant and rave for hours and days and make my life miserable.  She went around to all of our neighbors and friends but I had to keep my mouth shut.  Domestic violence is very isolating.

more to come...

COURT DATE

The day before court I had a phone call with my attorney to go over what it would be like to go to court.  She took me through the steps, where to meet, what time to be there, what to wear, and what to bring.  I was ready.

The night before court, I barely slept.  I kept going over the run in with Tracy.  How could she come at me like that?  How could she violate the restraining order that way?  What was she thinking?  I was so scared.  I was so traumatized.  I had to calm the dogs down, I had to calm me down.

The morning of court, I got up early and got ready.  I took the dogs for a long walk because I didn't know how long I would be away.  I took a cab down to the court house.  I got there SO early.  I ended up walking around the block for about 20 minutes.  Then I saw her.  Tracy was walking to the court house right toward me.  I began to get a panic attack.  I found a port-a-potty and ducked behind it.  I don't think she saw me since she walked right by.  I spent the next few minutes deep breathing and waiting for my attorney to come by.  After 15 minutes I decided to go into the court house and wait for my attorney there.  I went up to the 3rd floor and saw Tracy waiting outside the court room so I waited down the hall.  My attorney showed up 5 minutes later.  We sat and talked about what was going to happen and other things so I could calm down.

It was time to go in the court room.  We went in and Tracy was sitting on the wrong side so we sat on the other side.  She was sitting in the very back row and we had to sit in the front of our side.  I could see her staring at me the whole time.  Finally we got in front of the judge.  Tracy was not represented by an attorney. She did not go to the restraining order clinic the city provides.  She was very unprepared.  After a few statements by my attorney and a few questions of me, the judge turned to Tracy.  I had told my story of how Tracy confronted me the night before yelling at me and coming closer to me.  The judge asked Tracy if this was true.  She said yes.  The judge asked Tracy if she had read the Temporary Restraining Order papers.  Tracy said she had not.  The judge was quite upset by this and proceeded to read the papers to her word for word like a child.  She explained that Tracy could not come withing 100 yards of me or the house or the pets.  She can't yell at me or talk to me or contact me.  She can't follow me.  Tracy then tried to argue with the judge about certain points like having to go to work within 100 yards of my home and how I should have to walk another way if I see her.  The judge then told her that if Tracy saw me, she had to walk another direction.  I didn't have to walk another direction.

I was then asked how long I wanted the permanent restraining order, I said I wanted 2 years. I could have asked for more but I thought by 2 years she would have moved on.  The 2 year permanent restraining order was granted easily after Tracy's resistance to follow the rules.  The deputy came and whispered in my ear that I needed to go sit down and wait for the paperwork and a deputy would escort me and my attorney out of the building.  I didn't see him do that for any other person.

We went and sat down.  I was not able to see Tracy this time but my attorney was.  She told me that Tracy was glaring at me the whole time.  We received the signed papers from the judge and a deputy escorted us all the way out of the building.  They held Tracy until we were gone.  We quickly walked a few blocks.  We talked for a few minutes and I caught a cab home.  It was good it was over but it was quite stressful.  I have to carry the restraining order papers everywhere I go for two years.  Something tells me this process is not over.

more to come...

COURT DATE WEEK

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I get the TRO, Tracy is escorted out of the house, I get back in, days later I have a full weekend mediation training, and the next weekend I spend the whole weekend packing Tracy's belongings.  Barely a chance to breathe.

This week I got a chance to see the movie Inside/Out with my friend Herbert.  I was excited to see a funny movie.  It was so cute.  I liked anger!

But this week is court date week.  I have to get my head around seeing Tracy after three weeks of only seeing her from a distance.  I have to get my paperwork in order and that has proved to be a challenge.  One piece I have to get is the police report.  The responding officer told me to go to X police station to get a print out.  I went there and they told me to go to Y station to get it.  I went to Y station and they told me to go to Z office to get it.  I was exhausted and frustrated.  Who does this to a person who has just gone through a trauma?  It is ridiculous.  I get to Z and they tell me it will take 10 days and I have to fax in my request.  I have court in 4 days.  I told them I have been sent all over town.  They said they could not make an exception for me.  I sat in their office and cried.  The morning before court I got a phone call from a very nice lady who told me the report was printed and ready for me to pick up.  I cried again from relief.

The day before court I took the dogs for a walk after dinner like normal.  We were going around the block when we turned the corner and there was Tracy 1/2 way down the block.  She saw me and said 'Oh, shit".  I saw her and immediately turned the dogs around.  Or at least tried to.  Poor Bubba wanted to go to her and would not turn around.  I had to practically pull her around the corner.  Tracy started yelling at me.  Telling me I ruined her life and broke her heart.  Screaming up the street.  Coming closer and closer.  I am trying to get the dogs to move up the street but you know dogs, they never go where you want them to go.  Tracy is completely oblivious to the dogs wanting her.  Meanwhile I am trying to get out my phone to call the police since she is violating the restraining order.  I tell her that she is violating the restraining order and that she needs to be 100 yards away from me.  She says she is going to work and I can't stop her from going where she wants to go.  I tell her again that she needs to stay 100 yards away or I will call the police.  I turn to deal with the dogs and she is gone.

I take a breath and call my attorney. She tells me that I need to call the police and make a report even if Tracy is gone.  Each report will add up if she violates too many times.  I call the police and make a report.  The dispatcher tells me to go home and if I see Tracy again, to call back immediately and they will send a police car immediately.  I took the dogs around another way and then back home.  That night I had a panic attack.  Tomorrow is court day.

more to come...

PACKING BOXES

To get ready for the court date, I needed to pack up all Tracy's belongings so she could come collect them.  Once the temporary restraining order was granted, I had three weeks before I had to go back to court to request a permanent restraining order.  Once the permanent restraining order is granted, Tracy could arrange to come get her belongings.

I wanted to be ready for when she wanted to come pick up her stuff and I didn't want to live in a house staring at her belongings for a month.  So, I hired someone to come and help me pack up her belongings.  I told Sally, the girl I hired to help me pack, that this was going to be a tough job.  Tough because Tracy had A LOT of stuff but also it would be hard on me emotionally.  Not because the break up was hard because breaking up was not hard for me.  It was going to be hard because the process was going to make me angry and frustrated.

We started in the garage because despite the years of me asking Tracy to go through the boxes in the garage, she never did.  The boxes were full of crap.  Just a lot of junk.  A bag of keys, a bag of rocks, boxes and bags of toys (she has no kids), containers of art supplies (some never opened or used), boxes of clothes, and tons of crap.  It was so sad it was funny.  She was a hoarder and it was so much worse than I was aware.  Then we moved indoors.  She had tons of shoes and ties and sweaters and audio books and jackets.  It was overwhelming.  Then we moved upstairs and there were books and a whole box of National Geographics.  She had no kitchen stuff and no furniture.  Even so there were 80 boxes.  Eighty Boxes!  It takes up half my garage and part of my dining room.  It took the two of us two days working 8 hours a day.  We had to pack the boxes and inventory and photograph the contents.  Exhausting!

Only once did I get really upset. That was when I found a bag stuffed in the back of the cabinet in the bathroom.  It had Tracy's medicine unopened still in the pharmacy bags.  I was frustrated that she didn't take it but also frustrated that she didn't tell me and let me keep buying the medicine at full price and stuffing it under the sink.  Since she had not met her deductible, I had to pay the full price.  I can think of better things to use that money for that buying medicine she was not going to take but hide.

It felt good to box it all up and get it out of the house (almost!)

more to come...

THERAPIST

My therapist has been my support through this whole nightmare.  He helped me see that Tracy's behavior is not normal and was abusive.  He helped me when I could not figure out where to go when my Plan A fell apart when I had to run from my home.  He took my phone calls at all hours of the day and evening and weekend.  Besides my friend Viola, my therapist is the only other person I could lean on and call to support me.

Now he is helping me put my life back together.  Helping me when all I can do is cry.  Help me when I can't sleep.  Help me when I am so bloody angry and frustrated.

He made me see that I was the person holding our home together for so long, now that Tracy was gone, I could finally relax and let out the emotions that were bottled up.  My home was a place of mental illness and horrible psychological, emotional and verbal abuse.  Yelling, talking to herself, not sleeping, blaming, paranoia.  Now that those things were removed, I could relax.  My body and mind were not used to being relaxed.  I had to retrain my body and mind.  What was normal?  I had to make a new normal. A normal I wanted.

I needed to sleep.  People thought I could not sleep because Tracy was not there.  NO.  It was because I had horrible nightmares about Tracy attacking me in my sleep.  Night after night I woke up sweating because I just had a nightmare that Tracy was standing over me in bed.  One particularly awful night months ago, Tracy and I were discussing something and it became heated.  I was laying down and Tracy stood over me, leaning over me, yelling at me, ranting, finger pointing, so close to me.  I felt trapped under the covers with her leaning over me, just inches from my face.  It was a moment that made me very scared.  That is why I can't sleep.

I am angry and frustrated because Tracy has left me in this situation.  Yes, I had her escorted out of the house and I have a restraining order against her but she had many chances to change her behavior and she chose not to.  I arranged for her to see a doctor many times and she refused to go.  She stopped taking her medication long before I knew she was.  I did everything I could to help her but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I am angry because this is not the way it was supposed to be after 22 years.  I am angry because I am left with a house that is in disarray.  I am frustrated because I am left with two dogs and a bird and a house and it was supposed to be the two of us.  Now I am a single mom to all these pets.  I am frustrated that I am in the position.  This is not where I wanted to be at 51 years old.

My therapy appointments are helping me to work through all these emotions that I don't know what to do with.  Teaching me techniques like deep breathing and meditation.  It has been quite  helpful and made me much more relaxed.  I also called my primary and he prescribed some anti-anxiety medication.  I haven't taken any yet.  I am not too keen to take any medication.  But it is good to have it if I need it.

more to come...

NEW PHILOSOPHY

I have been doing things since the restraining order that I want to do.  The first night I was along in the house, I ordered Thai food to be delivered.  Partly because I had no food in the house and partly because I wanted to eat something that Tracy would never eat so we never ate it.  Tracy had a very limited scope of food and restaurants that she would eat and eat at.  It got boring eating at the same restaurants over and over when we live somewhere where there are hundreds of restaurants.  I found a Thai place that would deliver and ordered a bunch of food.  It tasted fantastic.

This week I got an email for free tickets to see the movie Jurassic World.  I was not that interested in seeing the movie but it was free and I am newly single so I went.  It turned out to be a descent movie.  My new philosophy is eat new foods, do new things, experience the world I missed out on.  Say no to almost nothing.  Go for it!  I am going to experience as much as I can fit in.  I missed out on so much but not anymore.  Try to keep up!

more to come...

BUSINESS

Monday.  I need to get back to work.  I had a client meeting so that was good.  Last week I barely got any work completed.  I could not focus on work.  What with having to vacate my home, staying in a hotel, sitting on the street for 5 hours waiting for the police, these are not conducive to getting any work done.

Now I need to concentrate on work and make up for lost time.  The only problem is I can't get my head together.  I keep having panic attacks.  I cry all the time.  I never cry.  Now I can't stop crying.  I feel like I am a mess.

Meanwhile I tell a few people and they can't believe I have been going through this.  People keep saying that they would have never known that I was going through this in my life.  They are just shocked.  There was not one sign that any thing was wrong.  I think domestic violence survivors are very good at keeping up a facade.  I had to keep everything together for me, the dogs, the bird, the house, my business, for so long it was exhausting.

more to come...

TRAINING

On Saturday I attend mediation training that I signed up for months ago.  I wanted to back out but I decided I would go and see how it was.  There were 12 attendees of a diverse group.  It was a two weekend all day training and this was the first weekend.

The first day I was a mess.  Any time anyone raised their voice or talked about anything to do with violence or yelling, I would have a panic attack and run from the room.  Only I didn't know it was a panic attack at first.  I just thought I was losing my mind.  I shared my story about my domestic violence situation with the trainers and they were very understanding.  They wanted me to stay and told me I was in a safe place.  At the end of the first day, I was walking home from the bus and saw Tracy on the street.  This upset me so much.  I don't think she saw me and I ran across traffic to catch a cab home.  I realized then that my cellphone was dead.  At that point I made a point to never let my cellphone get low again.  I would not have been able to call the police if she saw me and began yelling at me.

The second day I almost left about 1/4 of the way through.  Then I decided to tell the group what was going on.  I figured they must have been wondering why I was acting so weird so I might as well tell them.  I just said I had gone through a domestic violence situation with my now ex-partner and she was served papers a few days ago so it is rather raw.  The group gathered around me and each person hugged me.  From that point on each person checked in on me for the rest of the time we were together.  I felt incredibly supported and safe.

more to come...

FIRST DAYS OF PEACE

The locksmith showed up and spent hours changing the locks.  I wanted all the outside door locks changed, as well as, two internal doors.  I wanted to add locks to two internal doors for safety reasons.

The next morning I went over to pick up Woodstock from the bird store.  Now the house was full.  Everyone was home.  Then I started cleaning.  I washed all the sheets, towels, blankets.  I dusted and cleaned and I moved back into the master bedroom.  I had moved out of the master bedroom when I came back from my vacation.

I still had my stuff in my go-bag.  I was not ready to unpack that bag.  In fact it took me weeks to unpack that bag.  I was still on edge and could not unpack that bag.

Each day I began doing one thing.  Cleaning something or fixing something or unpacking something.  I had a lot of cleaning to do.  The house fell in to disarray during the last few months and I now have a lot of things to take care of.  The list is long and exhausting.  The backyard is a jungle.  There is dust and dog hair everywhere.  The bathrooms need to be cleaned.  The cable needs to be fixed.  My car windshield needs to be replaced.  The floors need to be mopped.  It goes on and on.

Little by little I start chipping away at the list.

First I have to enjoy the peace and help my pups relax and get their puppy peace back.

more to come...

BACK IN THE HOUSE

On my way to meeting the police at my home, I stopped by an Ace Hardware to get a chain and lock so I could lock my front gate once Tracy was out of the house.  I got to the house and called Steve, the Private Investigator, to find out when the police were going to arrive.  He told me to park around the corner and wait.  He would call when the police were there.

It was a short wait until I got the call.  I waved the police down and they showed me where to park.  They told me to wait there until it was over.  I gave them my key and alarm code so they could enter the house.  I told them that Tracy would probably be hiding in the house since I had a feeling she was hiding the day before.

I waited.  20 minutes later an officer came out to tell me they had announced that they were police entering the house about 12 times and Tracy did not answer or come out.  They searched the house and they found her in the bathroom downstairs with the door closed.  They asked her why she didn't answer and she said what are you doing in the house?  They told her they could have shot her because she didn't answer.  She continued to wonder why they were there.  The officer told me that they were having problems getting Tracy to leave.  Did I want them to arrest her or try to negotiate her out of the house?  I called my attorney and she and I agreed that it was best to negotiate her out.

I waited and waited.  For 2 hours I waited.  The officers came out periodically to give me updates.  She was talking to herself,  She was confused.  She had no where to go.  She was crying.  She was unable to pack anything.  She was packing everything.  The officers said her mental illness was clearly an issue.  They could not reason with her.  She was angry.  She was sad.  She was laughing to herself.  Finally she had packed way too many bags and walked down the street.  I had to wait a bit with the officers for about 15 minutes to make sure she didn't double back and then they escorted me inside.  I got inside and got my chain and lock and locked the gate.

I immediately called the alarm company and changed the alarm code and set the alarm.  I called the locksmith and he was coming in a few hours.  I went down to the garage and changed the code on the garage door. Well, I actually wiped the code out because I didn't know what I was doing.  Good enough!  I felt safe for the moment.  I called the dog walker and let her know she could bring the dogs back any time.  I would really feel safe once the dogs were back home.  They bark at everything.

Since it was late I just wanted to sit in a silent house for a bit.  Hear the silence.  Then I contacted everyone to let them know I was in the house and safe.  This part was over.

more to come...

STAY AT THE DOG-FRIENDLY HOTEL

I am in the car with my two dogs and my partner, Tracy, was served the temporary restraining order hours ago.  She refused to take the papers and is probably still in the house.  I have been advised to not return home until I can get a police escort and that will not happen until tomorrow the earliest.  My dog sitter just told me she could not take the dogs.  I am parked in my car crying out of shear frustration, hunger and exhaustion.

All I can think is there is no one who can help me.  So I called my therapist. I cried for the first few minutes.  Choking out my words trying to explain my situation.  He helped me problem solve the situation.  We figured out that I could not take my dogs to a boarding place but I could find a dog hotel.  He used his computer to find me a dog-friendly hotel that was nearby.  He gave me the phone number so I could book a room.  I figured out that once I booked a room I could drive over and get dog food.  I had a collapsible water bowl in my car that I could use and the bird boarders gave me a roll of dog poop bags.  I was set with the dogs.

I still didn't have food but I had the dogs organized.  I got to the hotel and they were so nice.  I got in the room and took the dogs out to pee after they ate.  Of course one of them peed immediately on the rug!  I ran and got a towel and sopped it up.  I think they had special carpets because it didn't sink in.  I took them out for a walk and then back to the room where I ordered room service. Finally some food.  I would have eaten cardboard at this point.  It would have been a nice night except the dogs were so hyped up every time someone made a noise in the hallway, the dogs barked and it was so stressful.  Bark, Bark, Bark, Growl, Growl, Growl, Whine, Cry all night long.  About 3 am I fell asleep and that was good until 6 am when folks started checking out and the growling started again.  I was shocked to hear no one complained!  In the middle of the night Bubba had to go out and had an upset tummy but the night door man was nice and watched us to make sure we didn't get mugged.

First thing in the morning the dog sitter said I could drop the dogs off so I could get things done.  I drove them over to her house and now I was pet free.  I had some room service breakfast and then I went to talk to the manager.  I needed to see if I could check out late.  I told him my situation and he was SO nice.  He offered to go buy me luggage since I only had my stuff in plastic bags.  He said they would do anything to help me out.  He made me cry he was so nice.  I said if he would print out the court papers when they came through and let me check out later, that would be nice.

I had to wait for the court papers to come through so the police would come to my home and escort Tracy out.  I contacted the private investigator and asked if there was anything he could do to help out with getting the police to my home so I would not have to wait for 5 hours again.  He said he would make some phone calls.  I hung out and waited in my hotel room and tried to sleep and do some work.

The papers came through, the hotel manager printed them, the private investigator called to say the police would meet me at my house at 1:30 pm.  I was to meet the police outside my house and do not go inside.

more to come...

SERVING THE TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER

Monday arrived and my attorney could finally get the court papers printed off the court website.  I needed the temporary restraining order (TRO) to serve Tracy.  I already knew that I was not going to be able to get the sheriff's department to serve the papers.  I would have to wait until Friday for the sheriff to serve the papers.  I could not image living with Tracy for four more days knowing that I have the court papers.

My attorney told me she had a process server but that he was going to basically hand her the papers and run.  This made me nervous.  Tracy was so unstable, what if she refused to answer the door or didn't take the papers?

I decided to call a security company that a friend had told me about.  I didn't know what they could do for me but it was worth a shot.  I called Steve (ex-FBI agent) and he said he could help out by not just providing surveillance but he could also process serve the papers.  He said he would do it but he wanted to do surveillance prior to serving the papers.He wanted a plan.  He called my attorney and they set up a plan.  It was wonderful to be out of the loop on the planning. To hand something over to someone was so stress free.  I had been doing all the planning and stressing and controlling for so long; it was exhausting.  Someone wanted to take care of me?  Do it.

So my attorney and Steve and they organized the plan.  We would wait until Tuesday morning.  "Could you wait one more night?"  What was one more night!?

The plan was that I would get a text early Tuesday morning from Steve.  He would ask if Tracy was there.  I already knew Tracy had to be somewhere at 8 am. If Tracy was still at the house at 7:30 am I was supposed to take the dogs for a walk on a ruse that I was going to a clients that morning.

Tuesday morning Tracy got up at 4 am and began her cleaning and talking to herself.  Ranting and raving about this or that.  I had my go-bag packed.  When she took a walk at 5:30 am I ran downstairs and put my computer, bag with money and electronic, phone book, etc in the trunk of my car.  I left my go-bag with my clothes because it was in plain view and I didn't want to tip her off.  I already had all the sets of car keys, garage door openers, etc in the trunk of the car (not too safe I know) so she could not grab them.  The dog sitter had dog food already so we were set there. I had extra leashes in my go bag.

At the appointed time, 7:30 am, I got the dogs ready and grabbed my handbag and went out the door.  I saw Steve at the end of the block.  I took the dogs a few blocks away where Tracy would not see us and waited in the chilly air.  We walked, we sat, we walked, we sat.  For two hours.  I got a text from Steve.  It was done but it didn't go well.  Where are you?  I met him around the block and he told me the whole story.

He and a colleague arrived.  The colleague was taping the whole thing.  Steve went to the door and at first she didn't answer.  Then she finally did.  She refused the papers by saying she was not the owner of the home.  He explained the papers were for her.  She said she is not taking any papers.  They went back and forth.  He explained that the papers were a temporary restraining order and it says she has to vacate the premises.  Finally she opened the door and he served her but she dropped them on the ground.  He went back to the car and she came out and started screaming at him and pounding on the car.  She was in the middle of the street yelling and screaming.

He retreated in the car and that is when he texted me.  He informed me that it was unsafe to go near the house since she is aggressive and unpredictable and still in the house.  We called the police to come escort me into the house to get my go-bag, bird, and car.  Unfortunately it was a very busy police day that day and I ended waiting for 3 more hours for the police.  It took Steve calling, me calling, my neighbor who came to sit with me, calling.  Finally a police officer came to the house.

I gave the police officer the papers and he read them.  He then asked me when the restraining order was granted.  I told him Friday but there was a problem with the website so we could not print the papers.  Then we had to get a process server.  He proceeded to tell me that I have been in violation of the TRO by living in the same house since the TRO was granted on Friday.  I got all upset.  You have got to be kidding me?!  What was I supposed to do?  Move out and let the cat out of the bag that I have a TRO that I can't serve for four more days?  You have got to be kidding me.   God knows what she could do to the house left by herself knowing that something is going on.

Then he asked me if she has any weapons, do I know if she is in the house, where would she be in the house, is she violent.  After answering that no she has no weapons.  I don't know if she is in the house but I am assuming she is.  I don't know where she would be in the house.  I didn't think she would be violent but she did act aggressively toward the process server.  The officer called for back up.

Once back up showed up, we entered the house.  They told me they would only clear the rooms I needed to enter.  The officers did not go downstairs.  I retrospect Tracy was downstairs.  When I returned there was a note on the door telling me that I didn't put the alarm back on "when I was in the house with my 2 officer friends".  There would be no way she would know that unless she was in the house when I was getting my stuff.  I grabbed my go-bag, the bird, and some clothes.  Then we went into the garage and I got my car.  I had everything, I thought.

The officers asked me where I was going to go and I said I was dropping the dogs at the dog sitters and I was going to a hotel.  I was exhausted and hungry.  I had not eaten since last night.  It was now 2 pm.  I had two dogs and bird in a car.  I had called the bird boarding earlier in the morning and they told me to bring the bird over whenever I got him out of the house.  So I took the bird over.  They were so nice.

I called my dad and he booked me a hotel.  I texted the dog sitter and she told me she had an emergency and could not take the dogs.  Huh?  The plan was just shot to hell.  My dogs don't have the bortatella shot so I can't take them to a boarding place.  What am I going to do?  I parked my car and started to cry.  Uncontrollable crying.  I had a plan.  Everyone was on board with the plan.  Now the plan went to shit.  What am I going to do?  I am hungry, exhausted, in a car with two very tired dogs who will need to eat in a few hours and I have no dog food.  I have no one and nowhere to go.

more to come...

COUPLES THERAPY SESSION

The stress in the house was unbelievable.  When Tracy entered the room the little dog Lulu jumped up on the bedside table in fear.  I was so sleep deprived I could barely function.

Thursday was a day of waiting.  Would I hear from the court?  Would the temporary restraining order be granted?  Or would the judge refuse my request?

Thursday evening was couples therapy.  I had agreed a  week and half ago to go to couples counseling and I could not back out now.  It would look too suspicious.  So I had to attend the session.

It was tortuous.  Tracy spent the hour speaking aggressively about how she was wronged, She listed all the things I had done to her.  The therapist kept trying to interrupt, I signaled to let her talk.  Let her get it out.  If I got the restraining order, this would be her one chance to get it all out.  She went on and on for 45 minutes.  Then the therapist asked what I thought about what she said.  I said I already told her it was over and I didn't want to work on it if she was unwilling to get medical attention and stop yelling at me. Tracy said she didn't need medical attention and she was  not yelling. She was passionate.  I said then there was nothing to talk about it, it was over.  Maybe some day we could be friends but not now.

Tracy left separately from me in a huff.  I got home and the tension was worse than ever.  She kept saying why did you go if you never intended to work on our relationship.  I said I am ready to work on our relationship just not on the type of relationship that you want.

Friday was a day of waiting again.  Finally at 4pm I got the text.  The judge approved the temporary restraining order.  Yay!  There was one glitch.  The city website was done and my attorney could not print out the papers.  Without the papers my attorney could not have them served.  If the papers could not be served on Friday afternoon, I would have to live with her another weekend.  My attorney apologized but I said, what is another weekend at this point?

I spent most of the weekend to myself.  I binge watched a whole season of a show.  I was not feeling well on Sunday so I didn't go food shopping and basically didn't get out of bed.  Maybe it was the anticipation or the fear for what is coming next.

more to come...

FILING FOR A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER

On Memorial Day I sent my deposition to my attorney.Since it was a holiday, not much was going on.  Tuesday came and the attorney reviewed the documents.  She tweaked them and put them in the format for the courts and sent them back to me.  Imagine getting documents sent to you that you have to print, review, sign and scan back without the paranoid person you live with finding out.  I could have been a spy the way I hid the documents, sent the emails, took the phone calls and texts, scanned documents and sent them without raising an eyebrow.  

Tuesday night I told Tracy I was taking the dogs to the dog sitter for the day on Wednesday because I was going to be a clients all day.  Tracy hit the roof.  She was furious that I was taking the dogs to a dog sitter when she walks the neighbors dogs.  If you remember we got into an argument because Tracy told me the dogs were my responsibility.  I told her that if the dogs were my responsibility because I own them, then I need to take responsibility and make sure they are cared for for the day.  She didn't let it rest all night.  Ranting and raving that I hated her because I was taking the dogs away from her.

Wednesday morning when I was putting the leashes on the dogs Tracy came upstairs to scream at me about how mean I was and she told me "you may not see your bird when you come home."  I immediately put the dogs in the car and drove around the corner.  I called my attorney and told her about the threat.  My attorney immediately put the threat in the court papers and sent them over to me to view.  I approved and she couriered them over to the court.  I was filing to get a temporary restraining order.  Soon Tracy would be out of my home, if the judge agreed.  Now the waiting happened.

more to come...

I AM NOT GOING TO HURT YOUR DAUGHTER

By this point I knew I was in need of help.

Tracy called my mother out of the blue to tell my mother that "I am not going to hurt your daughter."  This freaked my mother out since I had not told my mother that anything has been going on.  My mother called me scared for my life.  Tracy then called my father at midnight one night to ask him a question.  She was out of control.

I contacted the attorney my Palm Springs friend told me to. We spoke many times about if I was doing the right thing.  If I could go through with it.  If I had a strong enough case.  What I needed to do.  How to keep safe. She sent me the papers I needed to file for a temporary restraining order.  It was now on me to fill out the papers.

A vendor came by to fix something and he was completely shocked.  He helped us about 10 years ago and he could not believe the change in Tracy.  He asked me what was wrong with Tracy.  I had warned him before he entered the house that Tracy was being difficult.  Boy was she!  She stood back and glared at him the whole visit.  When I tried to introduce him to her, she said "I am not the one you need to be interested in."  When the vendor was done, we went outside and he told me he was shocked by the change in Tracy.  He said he worked as an EMT for many years and he can see she has some mental issues that she is not dealing with.  He spoke with me a long time and tried to convince me that I need to leave before Tracy becomes violent.  He said he saw many cases like this when he was an EMT and they never end well.  His advise: Get Out.

He also told me about a support group that his wife went to.  That support group didn't seem what I needed but it sparked an idea in my head.  I started looking up support groups for gay partners with mental illness.  I found a meeting but it was too many days away.  I found another meeting with NAMI that was for partners/family members of people with mental illness.  I took the bus to the meeting and met some very nice people.  So many of them had situations where their loved one hurt them physically.  Or they had to put them out of the house.  Most were parents with children.  There was only one other couple and she was almost done with her husband.  He had depression and kept going off his medicine without telling her.

The whole group was supportive.  The group supported my decision to get Tracy out of the house before she hurt me.  It is not her, it is the disease.  They wanted me to come back but since Tracy is gone, I don't see the point.It was the most support I had felt in a long time.  My friend Viola is wonderful but I felt like I was wearing her out.

I spent the long Memorial Day weekend finalizing my deposition for the restraining order.  I got the dog walker to send a deposition of when she came to pick up the dogs and Tracy was aggressive. She said "who is that?  What is she doing here?" in a really aggressive tone.   The dog walker was scared to leave me alone with her.

My mother sent in her deposition stating how scared she was when she got the phone call.

I kept adding to my deposition as Tracy kept getting more out of control.

more to come...

YES THIS IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

On the way home from the vacation on May 4th the flight was delayed.  I called Tracy from Palm Springs to let her know the flight was delayed.  I called her from the plane to tell her we would be taking off soon.  I had a horribly stressful trip home.  Took a cab to the house.  I walked in and Tracy laid into me.  Screaming and yelling.  "Why didn't you call me when you landed? Oh yeah, only responsible and respectful people call when they land to let those at home know they landed and are safe."  Huh?  I came directly home.  She knew when we took off.  I live 20 minutes from the airport and I didn't dilly dally.  You have got to be kidding me.  Turns out she said she wanted to have a nice spread ready when I came home to welcome me home but since we were delayed she didn't know when to get it ready.  Oh, okay.  Nice way to greet someone.

I decided in that instant that there was no way this was ever going to work.  I needed to file some papers to get her out of the house.  But first I would try to get her to leave on her own.  She has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness and I feel compassion and empathy for her but this relationship needs to end before someone gets hurt.

During that week I made it clear to Tracy that we were broken up. Or at least I thought I did.  I tried to.  I would say we were through and she would act that I never said it.  She would then say she wanted to take me out to dinner.  It was bizarre.  Like living in Groundhog Day.  Then she said would should redecorate the bathroom.  Change the color to something other than blue.  Get rid of the Winnie the Pooh stuff.  Huh?!

A week later on Saturday night there was a local party and I wanted to go.  Tracy would not go because we were fighting and she said people would see that we were not together.  She could not be seen in the same party as me.  She said she knew I was going around the neighborhood telling people we were not together.  It was so delusional.  I assured her that I was not talking about our issues to anyone in the neighborhood.  But she would not go.  I went on my own and had a good time.  When people asked where she was I told them I didn't know.

This began the delusional accusations.  She would accuse me of saying things to people, calling people.  She thought I had told everyone not to call the home phone number when in reality no one really called the home phone number for me anymore because I was never at home.  They all called my cellphone.  She was obsessed with the home phone situation.  Why did I never get phone calls anymore?

If I said something to someone and that person made an innocent made a comment to Tracy, it became a big issue.  Why did you say that to your step-mother?  One comment was about Tracy being on drugs.  My step-mother asked me if Tracy was taking her medication.  I said no.  My step-mother then got on the phone with Tracy and told Tracy that she needed to be taking medication.  I got an ear full of ranting about how I put my step-mother up to telling Tracy she needed to be medicated.  I tried to tell her that my step-mother takes things out of context but Tracy (who knows this) was irrational.  She went on about how I told everyone I wanted her on drugs hour upon day upon day.  I finally stopped talking to anyone who would talk to Tracy or if I did talk to anyone I had to swear them to secrecy.  I had to explain what would happen to me if they told her.

It wasn't jut the yelling.  The ranting.  The screaming.  It was the sleep deprivation because she never slept.  The comings and goings.  She came and left at all hours in a sneaky way.  She would storm upstairs and storm into my room with heels banging and doors slamming at all hours.  It didn't matter if I was asleep.  It was the obsessive cleaning.  It was the anger all the time, then the smiles that were ill.  The laughing that was demented.  The talking to her self for hours on end, one day for 8 hours straight.  It was the not knowing what was coming next but at the same time, the knowing what was coming next.  The fear that what was coming next was going to be a knife or a fist.  It was the intimidating stance that was too close when I was lying down and defenseless. It was the way the dogs trembled and jumped up on the nightstand.  It was all of it.

This is why I agreed to go to couples counseling.  Why you ask?  I had to keep up the illusion that we were together until I decided what I was going to do.  She was looking for anything out of the ordinary to "get me" for.

The next Saturday we were invited to another party.  I didn't tell her about it.  I went by myself and had a great time.

By this time we had separate lives.  I had moved into the upstairs bedroom.  Both dogs were sleeping with me.  She kept saying I was isolating her from all living things.  I said they are dogs.  If they wanted to be with you they would be.  She stopped taking care of the bird because she said it was my bird so it was my responsibility.  She would do things like get in a big argument about how if they are my dogs I had to be home every night to feed them.  I would rush home to feed them (once missing a dinner with my parents who were visiting from the East Coast) and get home only to find that she had fed them already.  Stating that she could not let them starve.

It was an emotional roller coaster.  Everyday it was a struggle to come home.  I never knew which Tracy would be there.  But I always knew the angry, frustrated, mean Tracy would be moments away.  One wrong look, one wrong comment, one wrong anything and mean Tracy would verbally lash out.  I learned that keeping my mouth shut was my best offense and defense.

It is amazing how long you can go without talking.  How quiet you can be.  How small a 5'9" person can become.  How a running dialogue in my head saved me.  How text messages from a friend made me laugh.

more to come...

VACATION TO PALM DESERT

I flew down to Palm Desert on the same plane as my parents (my dad and his wife) at the end of April.  I told Tracy that I would talk to her on the phone one time a day at 4:30 pm. That way I would not get phone calls through out the day when we were doing activities. I wanted to relax while we were apart. This worked well for one day. Then Tracy began calling in between our scheduled phone calls. I kept ignoring her calls. Then she called the hotel with "an emergency" phone call. I didn't call her back until 4:30 and she was furious. I asked her what the emergency was and she said a heron landed in the backyard. I obviously needed to go over what constituted an emergency with her. She went on and on that I didn't call her back right away and what if it had been an emergency.

While I was away, I arranged for her doctor to call her and assess her and try to get her to go see someone. They spoke for 45 minutes. He said she was all over the place. She kept saying she was fixing herself and she could do it herself.  He said he tried to get her to come in to his office but she was unwilling.

I kept thinking about what the therapist said.  Tracy needed help.  She was unwilling to get help.  Her yelling was abusive and I could not stay with her.  I did a pros and cons list about staying with Tracy.  The cons outnumbered the pros for staying with Tracy.  I had a very hard time coming up with two reasons to stay with her.  Would I leave her? It was my house and she said she would never leave, how would I get her out? My head swam.

Then my friend asked me to lunch. He is a lawyer but a business lawyer. During lunch he brought up Tracy a few times but I was not ready to tell people how bad it was at home. The only people who knew where my parents (my dad and his wife) and my friend Viola.  After the third time he brought her up, I finally told him that things were not good. I finally told him everything. He started making me a plan. He gave me options. Restraining order. Eviction.  I leave.

It all started to come together. I had to get her out of the house before she hurt me or herself. Yes, she is only yelling and screaming now. Yes, her behavior is odd now but it is getting worse and who knows what will happen.

more to come...

THERAPY

I have been going to therapy for a chronic illness for a long time.  My relationship with my partner has been a discussion that was off the table for a long time. I just didn't want to speak about my relationship. About nine months ago I started to talk about it because something happened and I wanted to discuss it.  Then our friend Deirdre died. Then we had the issues with the dog, Lulu and Tracy.  So I began talking about my relationship on a regular basis. Before we left for vacation, Tracy got upset about the pen for the dog. I mean really upset. Beyond rational upset. First yelling and ranting then crying hysterically.  For some reason I recorded her. I guess I wanted someone else to hear the irrationally that I was living with. I played the recording for my therapist and he immediately said there is something going on. You can't stay in a house with this. This is abusive.

Until that point, I had not heard what he heard. I had been living with Tracy's ranting and yelling and screaming for so many months, I was immune. I didn't hear what outsiders heard. The cussing and the accusing and the demanding and the ordering.  I knew it was bad but I didn't know it was that bad.

Then the crying about how she is sorry. She doesn't mean to yell like that.  But if I wouldn't....she wouldn't....

Those tapes and my therapist opened my eyes and probably saved me.

more to come...

WEEKS BEFORE THE VACATION

In April we were supposed to go on a week long vacation with my parents. This became a very stressful issue. I could not imagine going on vacation with my parents and Tracy with all her outrageous behavior. Who wants to spend their vacation with someone who is yelling and screaming about everything. With someone who doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. With someone who gets upset over the slightest misunderstanding.

So I told her she could no go on the vacation.  She took it better than I thought she would.  Over the next few weeks Tracy's behavior became even more bizarre. She began waking up at 4am talking to herself. Then she would leave for about one-half hour. Then she would come back and start cleaning. It was exhausting for the whole house. She started talking about her recently deceased friend Deirdre.  This made me quite nervous. I asked her if she was thinking of suicide. She said she wasn't.

Then I told her I was not comfortable with her staying alone in the house. She flew into a rage. Ranting and raving. I offered to fly her anywhere in the USA, to visit her mother or sister. NO! She insisted that she would not leave. That she would never leave. That I could never make her leave.  I dropped the issue and went on vacation with my parents.

more to come...

IMPOSSIBLE LIVING SITUATION

For the next few months things with our relationship went downhill.  Tracy began obsessively cleaning.  She would get up at 5 am and start cleaning.  But only cleaning certain things.  She cleaned the kitchen and swept the floors.  Every day.

Then she started de-cluttering. I would come home from work and things would be missing.  One day a plant would be gone.  I found it in the compost bin.  She decided it needed to go.  Another day the wine rack was gone.  Not sure what happened to the wine but the rack and the wine were gone.  It sort of became a game each day when I came home, what is gone today?  I tried to talk to her about it but she became incensed that I questioned her decisions.  After the first time, I just let it go.  Whatever she got rid of, I can replace.  My friends were upset that I was letting her throw my things away but it was not worth the argument.

To help Lulu the dog with her behavior problems I got a baby pen.  It was a 3'x3' pen that went in the living room.  Tracy was furious that I bought it and that it was "cluttering" up the house.  She flew into a rage about how it was cluttering up the house.  She was screaming and crying that the clutter was making her anxious.  This behavior went on for weeks.  She complained about that dog pen every day, many times a day.  Crying, screaming, yelling.

If I left anything where she didn't want it, I heard it obsessively.  If I left the toaster open after toasting a muffin, she would come in the kitchen and yell that I was so selfish that I would leave the toaster open and now she needed to make her breakfast and the toaster was open.  It would not be just one outburst but a continuous rant about how I was so irresponsible and selfish.

If I left a crumb on the counter, I never heard the end of it.  How could she make her meal with this mess on the counter?  There is no place for her to make her meal with all the mess on the counter.  I would never do this in anyone else's house, why would I do this in our house?  Over and over again for 30-60 minutes.

If she called m cell and I didn't answer, she would say she was not as important as my clients.  I always picked up the phone for my clients.  Why didn't I think she was as important as other people?  She would go on and on about how I didn't answer the phone and leave repeated voicemails about how I didn't answer the phone.  Her original call was about something like: was I going to be home to feed the dogs or guess what was on TV or we got the People magazine in the mail.   Nothing important or Earth shattering.

It was becoming an impossible living and working situation.  Something had to change.

more to come...

LULU THE DOG ISSUE

As the New Year starts things go downhill.  Tracy is more and more depressed.  I have more work so I am away from the house.  Things are very stressful.

We also have another problem that has been going on since September.  During the summer I hurt my foot and I was home almost all the time resting my foot.  I could barely drive so I was really house bound.  Lulu the little dog got really used to me being around the house for four months.  Then suddenly I felt better and I got two new clients and I was out of the house pretty much three days a week all day.  Lulu didn't like this one bit.  She started becoming aggressive.  Not toward me but toward Tracy and toward Bubba the other dog.  She was just an unhappy pup.

It got worse and worse.  It got to the point that every time I was in a room and Tracy tried to enter that room, Lulu would run up to her and growl and charge her.  It was scary and funny at the same time.  Funny because she is a 9 pound dog charging a 190 pound woman.  I know it was not good for either of them.  Lulu also would get very territorial and growl and charge Bubba.  It became an issue because Tracy could not enter any room I was in.

I finally took Lulu to a behaviorist and started some behavior modification, trying to make Lulu feel safe.  It was clear she didn't feel safe but I could not figure out why. Stay tuned to find out why Lulu didn't feel safe.

more to come...