- The nightmares and night frights have decreased. I am still unable to enter a dark room or take a shower without being in fear. I can't be in the house without the alarm on at night. I am thankful I have two dogs.
- I have been moving things around in the house. I took down all the photos and memorabilia of the two of us. I have the frames laying on a bar and I have to take them out of the frames. Baby steps. It is hard to see the two of us together and smiling. It is hard to explain it to people. I am not sad about us not being together. I am sad that it ended the way it did. I am angry that I am left this way. I am furious that I am having to go through domestic violence. I moved my office into the room that she used to watch HOURS of TV. I got rid of the couch that she spent HOURS on. It is now my office. I made my office into a guest room and I bought all new furniture. I bought myself a new mattress that arrives in two days.
- I took some pictures to be framed. I wanted to put up pictures/art that reflects me. It is making me smile. I bought a map of the world and had it mounted and framed. I took out the glass and now I can put in pins on the places I want to visit. Fun!
- I planned trips. I already went to Oregon. Next I go to Vegas were I am going to meet my siblings. Then I am going to Florida in a few months. In Florida I am going to Disney World, I am going to see two friends and two relatives.
- I put up security cameras and they broke and now I bought new cameras. I have to put them up this weekend. I like having the cameras even though they go against my privacy concerns. I need to feel safe.
- I have been working on fixing the things in the house that need to be fixed. I could not have workers in the home with Tracy so now I have to fix one thing after another. Little by little.
- I bought some clothes that fit. I have been wearing clothes that are too big for a while now. I lost a bunch of weight in the last year due to a change in diet. Now my clothes hang on me. I finally went and bought some clothes that make me look good!
I have run into Tracy. I found out she is living one block away. I was walking down the street and Tracy was walking up the block and saw me. She didn't veer away, she just walked right by me. I could have reached out and touched her. She just glared at me. The same "if looks could kill" look that she gave me in court. A neighbor had mentioned that she lost some weight. I was shocked when I saw her. Well, not really shocked but surprised. Either she is not eating or she is using drugs again. She looks like she dropped 40 pounds since June. I have seen her other times like when I am in my car I see her walking and she glares at me. It still makes me lose my breath and shake like a leaf. I just want to run and lock myself in my house.
I report it to the police each time she violates the restraining order. I went to the DA to try and get them to do something about it. The DA will not press charges. Even after she walked by me on the street and called the house.
My frustration with the system is beyond. I can't begin to tell you.
I am trying to move in a direction where I become an activist and try to help change the system. It just takes one person to make change. Isn't that what they say? I could be that one person.
more to come...
