THERAPIST

My therapist has been my support through this whole nightmare.  He helped me see that Tracy's behavior is not normal and was abusive.  He helped me when I could not figure out where to go when my Plan A fell apart when I had to run from my home.  He took my phone calls at all hours of the day and evening and weekend.  Besides my friend Viola, my therapist is the only other person I could lean on and call to support me.

Now he is helping me put my life back together.  Helping me when all I can do is cry.  Help me when I can't sleep.  Help me when I am so bloody angry and frustrated.

He made me see that I was the person holding our home together for so long, now that Tracy was gone, I could finally relax and let out the emotions that were bottled up.  My home was a place of mental illness and horrible psychological, emotional and verbal abuse.  Yelling, talking to herself, not sleeping, blaming, paranoia.  Now that those things were removed, I could relax.  My body and mind were not used to being relaxed.  I had to retrain my body and mind.  What was normal?  I had to make a new normal. A normal I wanted.

I needed to sleep.  People thought I could not sleep because Tracy was not there.  NO.  It was because I had horrible nightmares about Tracy attacking me in my sleep.  Night after night I woke up sweating because I just had a nightmare that Tracy was standing over me in bed.  One particularly awful night months ago, Tracy and I were discussing something and it became heated.  I was laying down and Tracy stood over me, leaning over me, yelling at me, ranting, finger pointing, so close to me.  I felt trapped under the covers with her leaning over me, just inches from my face.  It was a moment that made me very scared.  That is why I can't sleep.

I am angry and frustrated because Tracy has left me in this situation.  Yes, I had her escorted out of the house and I have a restraining order against her but she had many chances to change her behavior and she chose not to.  I arranged for her to see a doctor many times and she refused to go.  She stopped taking her medication long before I knew she was.  I did everything I could to help her but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I am angry because this is not the way it was supposed to be after 22 years.  I am angry because I am left with a house that is in disarray.  I am frustrated because I am left with two dogs and a bird and a house and it was supposed to be the two of us.  Now I am a single mom to all these pets.  I am frustrated that I am in the position.  This is not where I wanted to be at 51 years old.

My therapy appointments are helping me to work through all these emotions that I don't know what to do with.  Teaching me techniques like deep breathing and meditation.  It has been quite  helpful and made me much more relaxed.  I also called my primary and he prescribed some anti-anxiety medication.  I haven't taken any yet.  I am not too keen to take any medication.  But it is good to have it if I need it.

more to come...

COUPLES THERAPY SESSION

The stress in the house was unbelievable.  When Tracy entered the room the little dog Lulu jumped up on the bedside table in fear.  I was so sleep deprived I could barely function.

Thursday was a day of waiting.  Would I hear from the court?  Would the temporary restraining order be granted?  Or would the judge refuse my request?

Thursday evening was couples therapy.  I had agreed a  week and half ago to go to couples counseling and I could not back out now.  It would look too suspicious.  So I had to attend the session.

It was tortuous.  Tracy spent the hour speaking aggressively about how she was wronged, She listed all the things I had done to her.  The therapist kept trying to interrupt, I signaled to let her talk.  Let her get it out.  If I got the restraining order, this would be her one chance to get it all out.  She went on and on for 45 minutes.  Then the therapist asked what I thought about what she said.  I said I already told her it was over and I didn't want to work on it if she was unwilling to get medical attention and stop yelling at me. Tracy said she didn't need medical attention and she was  not yelling. She was passionate.  I said then there was nothing to talk about it, it was over.  Maybe some day we could be friends but not now.

Tracy left separately from me in a huff.  I got home and the tension was worse than ever.  She kept saying why did you go if you never intended to work on our relationship.  I said I am ready to work on our relationship just not on the type of relationship that you want.

Friday was a day of waiting again.  Finally at 4pm I got the text.  The judge approved the temporary restraining order.  Yay!  There was one glitch.  The city website was done and my attorney could not print out the papers.  Without the papers my attorney could not have them served.  If the papers could not be served on Friday afternoon, I would have to live with her another weekend.  My attorney apologized but I said, what is another weekend at this point?

I spent most of the weekend to myself.  I binge watched a whole season of a show.  I was not feeling well on Sunday so I didn't go food shopping and basically didn't get out of bed.  Maybe it was the anticipation or the fear for what is coming next.

more to come...

THERAPY

I have been going to therapy for a chronic illness for a long time.  My relationship with my partner has been a discussion that was off the table for a long time. I just didn't want to speak about my relationship. About nine months ago I started to talk about it because something happened and I wanted to discuss it.  Then our friend Deirdre died. Then we had the issues with the dog, Lulu and Tracy.  So I began talking about my relationship on a regular basis. Before we left for vacation, Tracy got upset about the pen for the dog. I mean really upset. Beyond rational upset. First yelling and ranting then crying hysterically.  For some reason I recorded her. I guess I wanted someone else to hear the irrationally that I was living with. I played the recording for my therapist and he immediately said there is something going on. You can't stay in a house with this. This is abusive.

Until that point, I had not heard what he heard. I had been living with Tracy's ranting and yelling and screaming for so many months, I was immune. I didn't hear what outsiders heard. The cussing and the accusing and the demanding and the ordering.  I knew it was bad but I didn't know it was that bad.

Then the crying about how she is sorry. She doesn't mean to yell like that.  But if I wouldn't....she wouldn't....

Those tapes and my therapist opened my eyes and probably saved me.

more to come...