It has been one-year since I got the restraining order and had Tracy removed.
Last week I started having nightmares again. I dreamed that Tracy was standing over me with a knife trying to kill me. Then I dreamed that I was holding a child and Tracy was chasing me and trying to kill us both. I could not figure out why the nightmares started up again. Then it hit me. I checked my calendar and sure enough it was one year to the day when Tracy was threatening me. It is really amazing how the mind works.
This week is the week I served the restraining order and had her removed from the house. I have been having a hard time concentrating. I am eating junk food like crazy. I can't work. I am really tired. I don't think I am sleeping well.
Just when I think this is over, it isn't over. I am a mess all over again. This weekend I had moments when I could not breath. I found myself double checking locks and putting on the alarm when it is still light out. All unreasonable considering Tracy lives thousands of miles away. But you can't tell my irrational self.
I know it is a process. I know it will take time. I just want it to happen quicker. I want her to be a thing of the past. Like a memory of a bad meal you had at a restaurant. Or the night you had food poisoning. Bad things that fade with time.
more to come...
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