MY FAMILY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

I am angry.  I can't seem to get over how angry I am.  I don't have a victim attitude.  My friends and my therapist say it so I know I am not just kidding myself.  But I am the victim in this situation.  I was the one who was yelled at and terrorized.  I was the one who lived in fear.  I was the one who had to go to court to get a restraining order.  I was the one who listened to Tracy threaten the life of my bird.  I was the one who watched my 10 pound dog attack Tracy to protect me.  I am the victim in this situation.

I know Tracy has some sort of mental illness or something.  I know that.  I feel for her.  I gave her every opportunity to get help.  I know it is part of the illness to not want help.  I know people should feel sorry for her because now she is homeless.  I get it.

But in someways Tracy put herself in this situation.  Over the years she never saved barely a penny.  The few times she did save any significant amount she always tapped into it and spent it on something.  Usually beer and weed.  I find it hard to feel sorry for someone who didn't work, lived off me and spent any money she got (made or was given) on beer and weed.  Meanwhile I paid for her health insurance, dental work, and kept her in a house with cable, Netflix, and food.  A very comfortable lifestyle.  I also took her on trips.

I am angry because some folks in my family are feeling bad for Tracy.  They feel like Tracy is a victim.  Like oh poor Tracy.  Screw that!  Oh poor Campbell!  That is how it should be.  I am the victim in this situation.

If I hear one more person in my family say they feel bad for Tracy, I may crack.  She still has not picked up her crap and is insisting she wants more items from the house.  The 85 boxes of crap just isn't enough for her.  Now she wants lamps and furniture.  If she is homeless where is she going to put furniture?  I know she is not well but it is so hard to deal with when I want to move on with my life.  And I have family members telling me "oh poor Tracy".  Easy for them to say when they don't have to live with 85 boxes in their house that they have to see every day.

I just want my family to admit that I was the victim in this situation.  Not that I want to be a victim.  I just want to hear them say Campbell you were a victim of a domestic violence situation.  That is all.

more to come...

IT IS NEVER GOING TO END

Tracy has finally contacted my attorney. After all these weeks.  Almost two months to the day from the day I got the restraining order.  Her stuff, her 85 boxes should have been gone a month ago.  Now she is finally able to get the email that has the inventory.  The first thing she says is it is missing things.  Good gosh.  85 boxes of stuff and she wants more.  MORE!  She wants two lamps.  She wants some "wedding presents".  I don't know what that means.  We didn't really get married but we had a ceremony to make a point and people gave us presents.  I guess she wants some of them.  She told me that she wanted a certain vase so she could throw it in the street.  Nice.

She also wanted to make sure a certain video tape got destroyed.  I already took care of that.  I took it to a company that destroys those types of things right in front of you.  I got a certified letter that it was destroyed.

I just feel like this is never going to end.  It is never going to end.  She is making this so difficult. It is just going to drag on forever.  I am going to have to live with 85 boxes in my home.  My garage is full of boxes and my dining room has boxes in a corner.  I am just over it.

more to come...

SLEEP

I wish I could sleep.  There are three scenarios.

1. I go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I am not very tired.  I get into bed and type my blog or read a magazine while I watch TV.  Then it is 11:30 and the dogs need to go out back.  I let them out and brush my teeth, take my medicine and pee.  I get into bed and watch TV.  Next thing I know it is 1:30 am.  The TV is on and I have to pee.  I get up, pee and set the TV timer.  I roll over and try to go back to sleep.

2. At 3 pm I am so exhausted I fall asleep working.  I literally can't keep my eyes open.  I nap for 20 - 30 minutes.  At 11 pm I go to bed, let the dogs out, get into bed, now I am not tired.  I am awake watching TV until 1:30 am.

3. I feel tired so I go down to watch TV in bed at 8 pm.  By 9 pm I am sound asleep in my clothes.  I wake up at 11 pm.  Now I am wide awake.

Then there is the insomnia.  Sometimes I wake up because I have to pee.  Sometimes it is because the dog wakes up and makes some noise (like last night Lulu started barking for no reason I could fathom).  Or my new problem, the nightmares.

I keep having nightmares that Tracy is standing by my bed or is in the room.  I wake up sweating and scared out of my mind.  I know it can't happen since I have an alarm system and two crazy barky dogs but I can't seem to make my unconscious understand this.  The nightmares are so scary and give me panic attacks.  I can't get back to sleep.

I have been told that I should breathe and tell myself that it was just a dream and that it can't possibly be true or come true.

I usually open my book and read until I fall asleep.  Thinking about something else is helpful for me.
I just need to figure out this sleeping thing.  I feel like I haven't slept in months.  When Tracy lived here I didn't sleep because she was always awake and yelling and talking.  Now I have peace and I still can't sleep because my unconscious won't let me sleep.  Crazy thing, huh?!

more to come...

NEED TO GET RID OF TRACYS STUFF

For weeks I have been trying to figure out how to get rid of Tracy's stuff.  All 80 boxes.  It has become quite complicated.  Tracy has no address, I guess she is homeless and couch surfing.  I am unable to send her a certified letter.  She has told my attorney her email is messed up or she lost her iPad or something so my attorney can not send her an email.  Since there is no way to send her correspondence, there is no way to tell her to get her stuff out of the house.  She had a deadline but she left a message for my attorney stating she could not make the deadline and could she have a few more weeks.

Now I am stuck with her stuff.  I have been trying to figure out how to find out where she hangs out or where she is working or living so I can serve her with papers.  If I can't find out an address for her, I will have to go back to court and have the judge make a ruling.  This will take a long time.   I called the private investigator to see if he can help but without an address, there is nothing he can do.

I am stuck in limbo until I get an address or go to court.  I just want to get rid of her stuff out of my house.  I am tired of looking at it and thinking about it.

more to come...

ADJUSTING TO LIFE AS A SINGLE PERSON

It has been an adjustment living life as a single person.  It is different when you break up and you take the time to split everything up and one of you moves out.  Things move at a certain speed.  When Tracy fell apart and stopped doing things around the house (or should I say, stopped doing constructive things around the house) and then I had to have her removed, it was so sudden.  There was no splitting up of items and talking about how and when we were going to separate.  I was just suddenly left holding the ball.

I was left with all the animals to take care of, my business (I work for myself) to sort out, the house to take care of and begin fixing things that had gone into disarray, and packing up all Tracy's stuff.  The animals needed some TLC to lower their anxiety and stress.  My business had been neglected so I needed to get back to work.

I also have been adjusting to life by myself.  I already did most of the stuff around the house but Tracy did some things: took out the garbage, picked up the dog poop, stocked the tp, tissues and paper towels, washed the sheets and towels, changed the sheets, fed the dogs sometimes when I could not get home in time, let the dogs out if I worked all day, and dealt with the water delivery.  Now those things fall to me.  It has taken a while to get in the habit of doing some of those things.

I am getting used to my new life going out with friends, having to be home to let the dogs out or feed them.  I have to plan outings around spending time with my pups.

One good thing is that I can be down my bed at night.  Tracy always went to bed really early so I had to stay upstairs to watch TV.  Now I can come downstairs whenever I want and watch TV.  Tracy never let the dogs on the bed.  I bought a throw and taught the dogs they can get on the bed as long as they are on the throw.  That way I can wash the throw and won't get the bedspread dirty.  I want my pups to come lay by me.

I am adjusting little by little.  It is a process that takes a while.

more to come...

VISIT TO THE SVU POLICE

I decided I wanted to talk to someone at the police department.  I contacted the Chief of Police and he passed me off to the Interim Captain of the Special Victims Unit.  He was very nice.  He was interested why there were no domestic violence calls to the police department from my home.  I explained to him that I was warned by some ex-police and ex-FBI that the police would not be able to do anything if I called them and that would potentially anger Tracy further.  I never called the police because I didn't want to anger Tracy any more than necessary.

I made an appointment with Capt. SVU.  When we met, he was very nice.  I told him that he could not understand what I went through unless he went through it. In fact I did not understand until I went through it.  He then explained that he went through a horrible divorce with a restraining order so he understood.  I was quite upset when he tried to equate my domestic violence situation with his bad divorce.  Now I know people have bad divorces.  Some are horrible with the parties claiming all sorts of stuff.  But no matter what he went through, it was not the same thing as the extreme psychological and emotional abuse I went through being trapped in my own home.  Not to mention, I doubt any cop feels terrified when they carry a gun.  They have the power.  They are not worried they are going to be stabbed at any time.  They are not worried that their partner is going to meet them at the door with a weapon.  Maybe they are worried that their partner is going to hurt them in their sleep but they at least have a weapon and training.  I had nothing.  If Tracy had decided to hurt me, she outweighed me and could out maneuver me.  She had the upper hand.  I was at a complete disadvantage.

After that part of the conversation, I began to tell him my concerns.  How the cops who came to my home to help me get my stuff on the day the Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) was served told me I was violating the restraining order because I lived in the house after the TRO was granted but had not been served.  I told him that was ridiculous.  If I told Tracy that I had a TRO that was granted but had not been served she would have gone ballistic.  What was I supposed to do?  Move out?  I think Tracy would have noticed I was gone for three days.

Then the cops didn't check the whole house and I found out when I came back that Tracy had been in the house the whole time.  That is scary to me.  I had already told them she was aggressive to the process server.  Knowing this didn't make me feel safe.  What if she had come upstairs while I was in the house?

The cops who came to remove Tracy from the home never gave me a list of services.  So when my Plan A fell through I had no Plan B.  Where was I going to go?  What was I going to do?  I was in my car with two dogs crying.  If I had a list of services I could have called someone to help me.

The cops told me to go to three different locations to get a police report that took days and I almost didn't get my police report on time for court.

I also had good experiences.  The two cops that removed Tracy were fantastic.  They must have had special training.  They were so patient.

The deputy in the court house escorted my attorney and I out of the court house so Tracy could calm down while we left.  That was a good call.

Capt. SVU took notes but my feeling was that he was not interested in doing anything about it.  I told him that I was interested in helping the police department in making it a better system.  What can I do?  He gave me some useless information and sent me on my way.  

I am going to find another way.  He didn't get it.  How could be in charge of SVU?

more to come...

IT"S ALL ABOUT YOU

Why isn't it ever about me?

I think back about the times it should have been about me but you made it all about you.  You were anxious, you were nervous, you had to leave, you didn't want to go, you couldn't be left alone.

There was my graduation from graduate school.  You made it all about you by throwing a fit when things didn't go your way.  My parents came all the way to see me walk down the aisle.  They planned a nice dinner and allowed me to invite a few friends at a very fancy restaurant.  But you had to make it all about you because you didn't want to be left alone with them and wanted me to be with you.  But I needed to be with my classmates to walk down the aisle.  You bought me a lei of flowers and my parents bought me a bouquet.  It was a competition in your eyes.  Why couldn't it just be a nice celebration?

Then there was the time I was in the hospital and you wanted me to checkout so you wouldn't have to stay home alone.  I understood you were anxious but who would checkout of the hospital early just so you would not have to stay home alone?  You were serious about me coming home.  You kept pressuring me to leave the hospital.

When I would go to the emergency room, you used to come with me but then you stopped.  I had to go on my own or have neighbors take me.  They all thought it was weird that you would let your loved one go to the emergency room while you sat home watching TV.  But when you need to go to any doctor's appointment it was clear that I had to escort you because you were so anxious about going.

When did this shift happen?  When did I become so insignificant in our relationship?  When did it become all about you?

more to come...

MORE VIOLATIONS OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER

Today I came out of the house to walk the dogs and I found a big surprise.  In 2011 when we had the concrete replaced in front of the house, Tracy and I carved our initials and the date in the concrete.  Today my initials were painted over.  Tracy's initials were still there and so was the date.  Who do you think did that?  Yesterday my initials were there.

That means that Tracy was in front of the house, violating the restraining order.  Or some random person covered my initials.  I called the police and they came over to make a report.  They convinced me to get security cameras in the windows.  They told me that painting over my initials and violating the restraining order is an act of serious anger.  Tracy has nothing to lose so she is willing to risk going to jail.

Then I find out that Tracy called my step-mother to ask her to talk to me and ask me not to throw away her stuff.  Another violation of the restraining order.  Tracy is not allowed to contact any friends or family to have them contact me on her behalf.  I am also not allowed to contact her family to contact her.  We are supposed to be leaving each other alone.  She is only supposed to be talking to my attorney.

I have one family member who keeps offering to help by calling Tracy's family and getting them to contact Tracy to help her to get her boxes out of the house.  I appreciate the help but she is going to get me in trouble by being so helpful.  I don't want to go to jail for violating the restraining order.

It is all so stressful.  I just want this over.  She needs to move on.  I need to move on.  I need the boxes gone.  I need to be able to reorganize when the boxes are gone.  I need a vacation.  I need something.  Less stress.

more to come...

ITEMS AND INVENTORY

When I boxed up all Tracy's stuff, I had to inventory and photograph all the stuff.  I have to admit that I didn't inventory every single item.  I boxed up clothes and wrote down clothes from dresser in bedroom.  I took a photo of the items in the box.

There were 78 boxes plus some items so it took two days to box up all the stuff, inventory it all and take the photographs.  And this was with two people.  It didn't help that half way through the first day, I dropped the camera and wiped out the photographs.  We had to open those boxes and retake the photos.  That put us back a bit.

After we were done, I typed the list of the boxes.  I sent it to my attorney and she sent it to Tracy.  This was supposed to facilitate Tracy coming to pick up her boxes.

Days went by and then Tracy called my attorney to say her email was not working or she lost her password or her iPad wasn't working or some excuse so she could not access her email and see the list.  My attorney tried to explain that she could access her email from any computer but Tracy got upset and unreasonable.  My attorney tried to get her to tell her a friend's email address but Tracy refused.  Then she tried to get Tracy to give her an address.  Tracy refused because she said she was homeless.  I think she is probably homeless but also paranoid and mentally ill.

Since there is no way to contact Tracy, I am stuck with her contents until she can be sent the inventory and a letter telling her she has 30 days to get the stuff out of my home.  Every day I have to see the boxes in my garage and in my dining room.  Ugh!

Just another way to continue to abuse the relationship.  I understand that she is probably homeless and stretched for money.  But I would honestly pay for a storage facility if she would just go rent one and get the crap out of my house.  But I refuse to once again "take care" of everything for her.  I will not hire movers, rent a truck, move her stuff to a storage unit that I pay for while she sits back and takes advantage of me once again.  I will stare at that stuff every day before I do that.

more to come...

GETTING THINGS IN ORDER

This week is all about getting the house back to it's new normal.  I have a lot of cleaning to do. For a house cleaner Tracy was SO not clean.  I think she was a surface cleaner.  She was not a deep cleaner.  I was duped into believing the house was clean since she was getting up at 4 am to clean each morning.  I have been moving furniture and cleaning under it and behind it.  Mopping the floors.
I am setting up appointments to get things fixed.  I called the cable company to get the cable box in the downstairs fixed.  It took three phone calls and then a visit by the cable man.  He finally got it fixed and now I can watch On-demand shows again.

When he was leaving I locked the door and went outside the garage to close it and locked myself out of the house.  When I changed the locks, I put in self-locking locks and proceeded to lock myself out.  The very nice cable guy helped me try to break in and stayed with me until the locksmith showed up.  It was a very expensive lesson.  I won't do that again!  It is the second time I locked my keys out in a month.  The last time I was horribly sleep deprived when I locked my keys in the trunk of my car while rushing to get from a client's to a doctor's appointment two towns over.  I had to call a locksmith then too because AAA could not help me.  The locksmith got me my keys and I missed the doctors appointment.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned.  I was months late in getting that fun chore completed.  I went later because it was something Tracy and I did together and I was stalling because I didn't want to take Tracy.  Not that I didn't want her teeth cleaned but I didn't want to deal with making an appointment with her and then getting her to go to the appointment.  It was always a chore.

I went to finally get my ankle looked at.  My ankle has been in pain for months.  I know I injured it but I also knew I could not do anything about it until I dealt with my living situation.  What was I going to do?  Let Tracy take care of me while I was incapacitated?  I would have been crazy to allow Tracy full control over me while she was acting in an abusive manner.  Who knows what she would have done?  Not to mention I would not have been able to get out of the house if she had gotten violent if I was in bed with a cast on my leg or on crutches.  So, I finally went to the doctor and I will be having surgery as soon as I get my life in order.

I hired Sally the assistant to come and work again, this time on the backyard.  She and I cleared out the backyard.  It had gotten overgrown over the last nine months.  I was calling it The Jungle.  The dogs didn't even want to go out back.  Sally and I spent the whole day clearing it out.  It looked great.  Sally did all the heavy lifting.  She came back on Sunday and finished up the last little bit.  It looks so great.

Then I got a haircut.  A much needed haircut.

I just had to take care of some much needed things to get the house in order and get me in order.  Baby steps.

more to come...

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE AND GAY PRIDE

The Supreme Court made their decision on same-sex marriage!  It is legal in all 50 states to get married!  Whoo hoo!  The party was in the streets.  I felt so free.  Not because I was going to get married.  No sir.  I just got out of a 22 year relationship.  I am in no condition to get back into any relationship but a friendship.  But I worked for many years to make same-sex marriage legal for those that want to get married.  I marched, I worked the polls, I wrote letters, I went to protests, Tracy and I even got married before it was legal.  Our marriage was annulled by the state.  It was legal for a very short while.  Twenty-two years ago we were at a protest in front of the IRS in Washington, D.C. at a mass wedding.   I have been fighting this for a long time.

I was married to a man before for a short time and went through a lengthy divorce.  I have no interest in getting married again.  I made that clear to Tracy from the beginning.  I only married in protest to be part of the civil disobedience.  I always felt that Tracy married for real.

Then came Gay Pride weekend.  Usually Tracy would have wanted to stay home and watch it on TV.  She hated crowds and going to events.  She would say "we can go next year".   This year I went to the celebration in the streets for Same-Sex Marriage, the day before Gay Pride and to the Gay Pride parade.

At the Same-Sex Marriage celebration I met a new friend, Jay.  We started talking and hit it off.  I hope we can connect again soon.

At the the Day Before Pride Celebration I hung out by myself.  I just walked around.

At the Gay Pride Parade I met up with my friend Herbert and his friends, Dee and Jeannie.  I hit it off with Jeannie (in a friendship way.)  We had a good time talking during the parade.  It was good to catch up with Herbert not while at a movie.

It felt freeing to go to these events without someone holding me back and keeping me from going.  I know you probably say why didn't you just go and leave her home?  Tracy would be very needy and if I did go she would get angry and call me many times while I was gone.  Or I would get home and she would not be speaking to me.  Sometimes I would go to events without her but other times it just was not worth the reaction I would get.  My therapist calls it avoidance.  I call it picking my battles.

more to come...