It has been one-year since I got the restraining order and had Tracy removed.
Last week I started having nightmares again. I dreamed that Tracy was standing over me with a knife trying to kill me. Then I dreamed that I was holding a child and Tracy was chasing me and trying to kill us both. I could not figure out why the nightmares started up again. Then it hit me. I checked my calendar and sure enough it was one year to the day when Tracy was threatening me. It is really amazing how the mind works.
This week is the week I served the restraining order and had her removed from the house. I have been having a hard time concentrating. I am eating junk food like crazy. I can't work. I am really tired. I don't think I am sleeping well.
Just when I think this is over, it isn't over. I am a mess all over again. This weekend I had moments when I could not breath. I found myself double checking locks and putting on the alarm when it is still light out. All unreasonable considering Tracy lives thousands of miles away. But you can't tell my irrational self.
I know it is a process. I know it will take time. I just want it to happen quicker. I want her to be a thing of the past. Like a memory of a bad meal you had at a restaurant. Or the night you had food poisoning. Bad things that fade with time.
more to come...
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016
MOVED TO NEW JERSEY?
I found out that Tracy moved to New Jersey. I was happy at first. I was able to leave the house without a restraining order. Without having to look behind me all the time.
Then someone told me they saw her in town. Is she back? I don't know. I am carrying the restraining order again. I am checking behind me all over again. Damn. I thought it was going to end.
Family
In November I met up with all my brothers and their partners and had a talk with them. It was the first time I was meeting with them in person. I sat them down and told them what I was going through. What I went through. I wanted them to understand what domestic violence is and what it does to people. I wanted them to know it was not just a break up. That I would not just get over it. They were all supportive and some cried. It was a wonderful moment.
Then I met with my mother and her husband. They were incredibly supportive. I was very surprised since my relationship with my mother has not always been that great. My mother has been the least judgmental and most supportive asking what can I do for you? Are you safe?
Then this January I went to see my father and his wife. Despite the fact that my father has been the most supportive person for most of my life, he has become not so supportive. He has basically told me to get over it. His wife got in an argument with me and yelled at me and called me a jerk. I felt that was unacceptable considering I just got out of a situation where my partner yelled at me and called me names. I was shocked. I told her she could never do that again.
It has been interesting how different people take the information. One brother got upset because I was saying things about Tracy. He began defending her. My step-mother doesn't want to stop employing her. Long story short Tracy works for my step-mother's sister. I asked them to stop employing her and they didn't want to because they were afraid if they stopped employing her Tracy would get mad and do something to her sister. I was upset that they were worried about her sister and not worried about me. By continuing to employ Tracy they were allowing her to live in my area by giving her money. Others said they never liked her that much anyway.
Many friends told me they liked Tracy but they really liked me. I was shocked because Tracy was larger than life. She filled the room. Tracy used to tell me that I was mean and that people didn't like me so I still have a hard time hearing that people like me and didn't like her.
more to come...
Then someone told me they saw her in town. Is she back? I don't know. I am carrying the restraining order again. I am checking behind me all over again. Damn. I thought it was going to end.
Family
In November I met up with all my brothers and their partners and had a talk with them. It was the first time I was meeting with them in person. I sat them down and told them what I was going through. What I went through. I wanted them to understand what domestic violence is and what it does to people. I wanted them to know it was not just a break up. That I would not just get over it. They were all supportive and some cried. It was a wonderful moment.
Then I met with my mother and her husband. They were incredibly supportive. I was very surprised since my relationship with my mother has not always been that great. My mother has been the least judgmental and most supportive asking what can I do for you? Are you safe?
Then this January I went to see my father and his wife. Despite the fact that my father has been the most supportive person for most of my life, he has become not so supportive. He has basically told me to get over it. His wife got in an argument with me and yelled at me and called me a jerk. I felt that was unacceptable considering I just got out of a situation where my partner yelled at me and called me names. I was shocked. I told her she could never do that again.
It has been interesting how different people take the information. One brother got upset because I was saying things about Tracy. He began defending her. My step-mother doesn't want to stop employing her. Long story short Tracy works for my step-mother's sister. I asked them to stop employing her and they didn't want to because they were afraid if they stopped employing her Tracy would get mad and do something to her sister. I was upset that they were worried about her sister and not worried about me. By continuing to employ Tracy they were allowing her to live in my area by giving her money. Others said they never liked her that much anyway.
Many friends told me they liked Tracy but they really liked me. I was shocked because Tracy was larger than life. She filled the room. Tracy used to tell me that I was mean and that people didn't like me so I still have a hard time hearing that people like me and didn't like her.
more to come...
Friday, January 29, 2016
GETTING MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK
I have been trying to get my life back on track. I thought that not thinking about Tracy for awhile would make things better. That didn't work.
Around the holidays Tracy followed me for a few blocks. That really freaked me out. I mean really freaked me out. I could not contact the police because even though I knew it was her, I could not prove it with video or photos because she was 1/2 a block behind me and I thought it would be too dangerous to turn around and confront her. I have learned that without some sort of photo or video proof, the police are not going to do anything. Maybe a witness would help but she and I were the only two people on the street for 4 blocks. It was scary.
I have five police reports and they are worth the paper they are written on. I try to keep positive that when the two year restraining order expires, I will be able to go to court and get an extension if this continues with no difficulty.
more to come...
Around the holidays Tracy followed me for a few blocks. That really freaked me out. I mean really freaked me out. I could not contact the police because even though I knew it was her, I could not prove it with video or photos because she was 1/2 a block behind me and I thought it would be too dangerous to turn around and confront her. I have learned that without some sort of photo or video proof, the police are not going to do anything. Maybe a witness would help but she and I were the only two people on the street for 4 blocks. It was scary.
I have five police reports and they are worth the paper they are written on. I try to keep positive that when the two year restraining order expires, I will be able to go to court and get an extension if this continues with no difficulty.
more to come...
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