MAKES ME LOSE MY BREATH AND SHAKE LIKE A LEAF

It has been a while.  I have been working very hard to get my life back on track.

• The nightmares and night frights have decreased.  I am still unable to enter a dark room or take a shower without being in fear. I can't be in the house without the alarm on at night.  I am thankful I have two dogs.
• I have been moving things around in the house.  I took down all the photos and memorabilia of the two of us.  I have the frames laying on a bar and I have to take them out of the frames.  Baby steps.  It is hard to see the two of us together and smiling.  It is hard to explain it to people.  I am not sad about us not being together.  I am sad that it ended the way it did.  I am angry that I am left this way.  I am furious that I am having to go through domestic violence.  I moved my office into the room that she used to watch HOURS of TV.  I got rid of the couch that she spent HOURS on.  It is now my office.  I made my office into a guest room and I bought all new furniture.  I bought myself a new mattress that arrives in two days.  
• I took some pictures to be framed.  I wanted to put up pictures/art that reflects me.  It is making me smile.  I bought a map of the world and had it mounted and framed.  I took out the glass and now I can put in pins on the places I want to visit.  Fun!
• I planned trips.  I already went to Oregon.  Next I go to Vegas were I am going to meet my siblings.  Then I am going to Florida in a few months.  In Florida I am going to Disney World, I am going to see two friends and two relatives.  
• I put up security cameras and they broke and now I bought new cameras.  I have to put them up this weekend.  I like having the cameras even though they go against my privacy concerns.  I need to feel safe.
• I have been working on fixing the things in the house that need to be fixed.  I could not have workers in the home with Tracy so now I have to fix one thing after another.  Little by little.
• I bought some clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are too big for a while now.  I lost a bunch of weight in the last year due to a change in diet.  Now my clothes hang on me.  I finally went and bought some clothes that make me look good!

I have run into Tracy.  I found out she is living one block away.  I was walking down the street and Tracy was walking up the block and saw me.  She didn't veer away, she just walked right by me.  I could have reached out and touched her.  She just glared at me.  The same "if looks could kill" look that she gave me in court.  A neighbor had mentioned that she lost some weight.  I was shocked when I saw her.  Well, not really shocked but surprised.  Either she is not eating or she is using drugs again.  She looks like she dropped 40 pounds since June.  I have seen her other times like when I am in my car I see her walking and she glares at me.  It still makes me lose my breath and shake like a leaf.  I just want to run and lock myself in my house.

I report it to the police each time she violates the restraining order.  I went to the DA to try and get them to do something about it.  The DA will not press charges.  Even after she walked by me on the street and called the house.  

My frustration with the system is beyond.  I can't begin to tell you.  

I am trying to move in a direction where I become an activist and try to help change the system.  It just takes one person to make change.  Isn't that what they say?  I could be that one person.

more to come...

WHAT RESTRAINING ORDER?

Of course she had to come back.  She came back sometime yesterday and put an item in my mailbox.  I guess she didn't want it.  She broke the restraining order once again.  I can't prove it because I didn't see her.

The security cameras I bought stopped working when I got my new phone.  I have to get that fixed.  I spent hours on the phone with tech support.  I got one camera working but the others are not working.  Had I got her on the camera, I could have pressed charges.  She just doesn't get it.  She snubs her nose at the restraining order.  She doesn't care that the court told her to stay away.

Also she didn't give me back something.  She made an agreement that if I gave her a necklace she would give me back a ring.  I gave her the necklace and guess what?  No ring.  I guess I should not be surprised.

more to come...

HER STUFF IS FINALLY GONE

Today she came to pick up her stuff.  After months of making demands of wanting this item or that item.  After months of dodging the requests to get her stuff out of my home.  After months of negotiations. She finally showed up and took her stuff.

It took me getting a security guard, a neighbor and hiring a helper.

The helper came yesterday to move all the boxes into the middle of the garage.  I cordoned off the rest of the garage. That was step 1.

Step two was finding a neighbor to agree to come and be the greeter.  The security guard would not come unless there was someone who knew Tracy in attendance.  I asked a few neighbors and I heard every excuse.  One neighbor said they didn't feel safe being around her.  Fair enough.  I don't either!  Another didn't want to get in the middle of this.  A few had work commitments. Can fault them for that!  One would only do it if I told Tracy and she agreed to him being there.  Forget that!  Another had his stag party that night.  I told him, forget it you are off the list.  I want him to enjoy his party and not think about my mess.

The third step was getting the security guard and getting everyone there on time.

Believe it or not, it all worked out.  I was gone at 8:45 am and Tracy was supposed to show up at 9 am.  I hear she came with a neighbor.  The same neighbor who's phone she used to call me.  They made three trips in his little truck.  Since they made short trips, they must  have transported the boxes to his house.  Oh, did I mention his house is only 1.25 blocks away.  Probably just over the 100 yards (in the restraining order) away.  She must be living there.  I am just shocked.  She hardly knew him.  I was the one friendly with him.

The security guard said she was angry.  She would not look at him and would not shake his hand.  It took about 1.75 hours.  I took the dogs for a long walk and then we sat in my car.

I came home and took out the Wii and played a couple of games of bowling.  Then later I saged the house to cleanse it.  After I decided I wanted to go to  a fancy dinner by myself.  I remembered this fancy restaurant that Tracy would never go to.  I called and they had room for me.  I got some clean clothes on and out I went.  I met a really nice bartender Phil, and I got great food.  He even gave me a free sorbet.

It is weird.  I thought I would feel SO Happy.  I don't. Maybe I will tomorrow.  I feel sad and weird and like something is missing.

more to come...

GETTING THINGS IN ORDER

This week is all about getting the house back to it's new normal.  I have a lot of cleaning to do. For a house cleaner Tracy was SO not clean.  I think she was a surface cleaner.  She was not a deep cleaner.  I was duped into believing the house was clean since she was getting up at 4 am to clean each morning.  I have been moving furniture and cleaning under it and behind it.  Mopping the floors.
I am setting up appointments to get things fixed.  I called the cable company to get the cable box in the downstairs fixed.  It took three phone calls and then a visit by the cable man.  He finally got it fixed and now I can watch On-demand shows again.

When he was leaving I locked the door and went outside the garage to close it and locked myself out of the house.  When I changed the locks, I put in self-locking locks and proceeded to lock myself out.  The very nice cable guy helped me try to break in and stayed with me until the locksmith showed up.  It was a very expensive lesson.  I won't do that again!  It is the second time I locked my keys out in a month.  The last time I was horribly sleep deprived when I locked my keys in the trunk of my car while rushing to get from a client's to a doctor's appointment two towns over.  I had to call a locksmith then too because AAA could not help me.  The locksmith got me my keys and I missed the doctors appointment.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned.  I was months late in getting that fun chore completed.  I went later because it was something Tracy and I did together and I was stalling because I didn't want to take Tracy.  Not that I didn't want her teeth cleaned but I didn't want to deal with making an appointment with her and then getting her to go to the appointment.  It was always a chore.

I went to finally get my ankle looked at.  My ankle has been in pain for months.  I know I injured it but I also knew I could not do anything about it until I dealt with my living situation.  What was I going to do?  Let Tracy take care of me while I was incapacitated?  I would have been crazy to allow Tracy full control over me while she was acting in an abusive manner.  Who knows what she would have done?  Not to mention I would not have been able to get out of the house if she had gotten violent if I was in bed with a cast on my leg or on crutches.  So, I finally went to the doctor and I will be having surgery as soon as I get my life in order.

I hired Sally the assistant to come and work again, this time on the backyard.  She and I cleared out the backyard.  It had gotten overgrown over the last nine months.  I was calling it The Jungle.  The dogs didn't even want to go out back.  Sally and I spent the whole day clearing it out.  It looked great.  Sally did all the heavy lifting.  She came back on Sunday and finished up the last little bit.  It looks so great.

Then I got a haircut.  A much needed haircut.

I just had to take care of some much needed things to get the house in order and get me in order.  Baby steps.

more to come...

BACK IN THE HOUSE

On my way to meeting the police at my home, I stopped by an Ace Hardware to get a chain and lock so I could lock my front gate once Tracy was out of the house.  I got to the house and called Steve, the Private Investigator, to find out when the police were going to arrive.  He told me to park around the corner and wait.  He would call when the police were there.

It was a short wait until I got the call.  I waved the police down and they showed me where to park.  They told me to wait there until it was over.  I gave them my key and alarm code so they could enter the house.  I told them that Tracy would probably be hiding in the house since I had a feeling she was hiding the day before.

I waited.  20 minutes later an officer came out to tell me they had announced that they were police entering the house about 12 times and Tracy did not answer or come out.  They searched the house and they found her in the bathroom downstairs with the door closed.  They asked her why she didn't answer and she said what are you doing in the house?  They told her they could have shot her because she didn't answer.  She continued to wonder why they were there.  The officer told me that they were having problems getting Tracy to leave.  Did I want them to arrest her or try to negotiate her out of the house?  I called my attorney and she and I agreed that it was best to negotiate her out.

I waited and waited.  For 2 hours I waited.  The officers came out periodically to give me updates.  She was talking to herself,  She was confused.  She had no where to go.  She was crying.  She was unable to pack anything.  She was packing everything.  The officers said her mental illness was clearly an issue.  They could not reason with her.  She was angry.  She was sad.  She was laughing to herself.  Finally she had packed way too many bags and walked down the street.  I had to wait a bit with the officers for about 15 minutes to make sure she didn't double back and then they escorted me inside.  I got inside and got my chain and lock and locked the gate.

I immediately called the alarm company and changed the alarm code and set the alarm.  I called the locksmith and he was coming in a few hours.  I went down to the garage and changed the code on the garage door. Well, I actually wiped the code out because I didn't know what I was doing.  Good enough!  I felt safe for the moment.  I called the dog walker and let her know she could bring the dogs back any time.  I would really feel safe once the dogs were back home.  They bark at everything.

Since it was late I just wanted to sit in a silent house for a bit.  Hear the silence.  Then I contacted everyone to let them know I was in the house and safe.  This part was over.

more to come...