ONE YEAR AGO

It has been one-year since I got the restraining order and had Tracy removed.

Last week I started having nightmares again.  I dreamed that Tracy was standing over me with a knife trying to kill me.  Then I dreamed that I was holding a child and Tracy was chasing me and trying to kill us both.  I could not figure out why the nightmares started up again.  Then it hit me.  I checked my calendar and sure enough it was one year to the day when Tracy was threatening me.  It is really amazing how the mind works.

This week is the week I served the restraining order and had her removed from the house.  I have been having a hard time concentrating.  I am eating junk food like crazy.  I can't work.  I am really tired.  I don't think I am sleeping well.

Just when I think this is over, it isn't over.  I am a mess all over again.  This weekend I had moments when I could not breath.  I found myself double checking locks and putting on the alarm when it is still light out.  All unreasonable considering Tracy lives thousands of miles away.  But you can't tell my irrational self.

I know it is a process.  I know it will take time.  I just want it to happen quicker.  I want her to be a thing of the past.  Like a memory of a bad meal you had at a restaurant.  Or the night you had food poisoning.  Bad things that fade with time.

more to come...

MOVED TO NEW JERSEY?

I found out that Tracy moved to New Jersey.  I was happy at first.  I was able to leave the house without a restraining order.  Without having to look behind me all the time.

Then someone told me they saw her in town.  Is she back?  I don't know.  I am carrying the restraining order again.  I am checking behind me all over again.  Damn.  I thought it was going to end.

Family

In November I met up with all my brothers and their partners and had a talk with them.  It was the first time I was meeting with them in person.  I sat them down and told them what I was going through. What I went through.  I wanted them to understand what domestic violence is and what it does to people.  I wanted them to know it was not just a break up.  That I would not just get over it.  They were all supportive and some cried.  It was a wonderful moment.

Then I met with my mother and her husband.  They were incredibly supportive.  I was very surprised since my relationship with my mother has not always been that great.  My mother has been the least judgmental and most supportive asking what can I do for you?  Are you safe?

Then this January I went to see my father and his wife.  Despite the fact that my father has been the most supportive person for most of my life, he has become not so supportive.  He has basically told me to get over it.  His wife got in an argument with me and yelled at me and called me a jerk.  I felt that was unacceptable considering I just got out of a situation where my partner yelled at me and called me names.  I was shocked. I told her she could never do that again.

It has been interesting how different people take the information.  One brother got upset because I was saying things about Tracy.  He began defending her.  My step-mother doesn't want to stop employing her.  Long story short Tracy works for my step-mother's sister.  I asked them to stop employing her and they didn't want to because they were afraid if they stopped employing her Tracy would get mad and do something to her sister.  I was upset that they were worried about her sister and not worried about me.  By continuing to employ Tracy they were allowing her to live in my area by giving her money.  Others said they never liked her that much anyway.

Many friends told me they liked Tracy but they really liked me.  I was shocked because Tracy was larger than life. She filled the room.  Tracy used to tell me that I was mean and that people didn't like me so I still have a hard time hearing that people like me and didn't like her.

more to come...

GETTING MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK

I have been trying to get my life back on track.  I thought that not thinking about Tracy for awhile would make things better.  That didn't work.

Around the holidays Tracy followed me for a few blocks.  That really freaked me out.  I mean really freaked me out.  I could not contact the police because even though I knew it was her, I could not prove it with video or photos because she was 1/2 a block behind me and I thought it would be too dangerous to turn around and confront her.  I have learned that without some sort of photo or video proof, the police are not going to do anything.  Maybe a witness would help but she and I were the only two people on the street for 4 blocks.  It was scary.

I have five police reports and they are worth the paper they are written on.  I try to keep positive that when the two year restraining order expires, I will be able to go to court and get an extension if this continues with no difficulty.

more to come...

HER STUFF IS FINALLY GONE

Today she came to pick up her stuff.  After months of making demands of wanting this item or that item.  After months of dodging the requests to get her stuff out of my home.  After months of negotiations. She finally showed up and took her stuff.

It took me getting a security guard, a neighbor and hiring a helper.

The helper came yesterday to move all the boxes into the middle of the garage.  I cordoned off the rest of the garage. That was step 1.

Step two was finding a neighbor to agree to come and be the greeter.  The security guard would not come unless there was someone who knew Tracy in attendance.  I asked a few neighbors and I heard every excuse.  One neighbor said they didn't feel safe being around her.  Fair enough.  I don't either!  Another didn't want to get in the middle of this.  A few had work commitments. Can fault them for that!  One would only do it if I told Tracy and she agreed to him being there.  Forget that!  Another had his stag party that night.  I told him, forget it you are off the list.  I want him to enjoy his party and not think about my mess.

The third step was getting the security guard and getting everyone there on time.

Believe it or not, it all worked out.  I was gone at 8:45 am and Tracy was supposed to show up at 9 am.  I hear she came with a neighbor.  The same neighbor who's phone she used to call me.  They made three trips in his little truck.  Since they made short trips, they must  have transported the boxes to his house.  Oh, did I mention his house is only 1.25 blocks away.  Probably just over the 100 yards (in the restraining order) away.  She must be living there.  I am just shocked.  She hardly knew him.  I was the one friendly with him.

The security guard said she was angry.  She would not look at him and would not shake his hand.  It took about 1.75 hours.  I took the dogs for a long walk and then we sat in my car.

I came home and took out the Wii and played a couple of games of bowling.  Then later I saged the house to cleanse it.  After I decided I wanted to go to  a fancy dinner by myself.  I remembered this fancy restaurant that Tracy would never go to.  I called and they had room for me.  I got some clean clothes on and out I went.  I met a really nice bartender Phil, and I got great food.  He even gave me a free sorbet.

It is weird.  I thought I would feel SO Happy.  I don't. Maybe I will tomorrow.  I feel sad and weird and like something is missing.

more to come...

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Now I am constantly thinking about how I can get involved.  What I can do to make a difference.  I had this horrible thing, this devastating thing, happen to me and now I want to do something to make it better for the next person.  I hear that for most people after a horrendous incident doing something makes them feel better, makes them whole faster.

I just don't know what to do.  No one seems to want my help.  I called a pet safe program that is supposed to take in your pet if you need to run and don't have anywhere to put your pet.  Well, I found out that that is not true.  I would have had to be in a shelter in order to put my pet in the pet shelter.  I think that is ridiculous.  So people who are running for their lives can only have their dogs taken care of for the night if they meet some socio-economic level.  Does that seem bizarre to anyone but me?  Because I didn't stay in a shelter (that I didn't even know existed) I couldn't board my dogs?  So crazy.  More bureaucratic bullshit.

This all goes back to the day the cops came to my home to help me get my go bag.  They were supposed to give me three pamphlets.  They did not.  The cop in charge asked me if I had a plan and I said yes and he said fine.  No pamphlets.  No help.  My plan fell through and I was left crying in my car with two dogs and I had not had any food since the night before.  What was I going to do?  I could not think.  If not for the hospitality of strangers, I would have slept in my car and been unsafe all night.

Something needs to change.  I want to help make that change.

more to come...

MY FAMILY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

I am angry.  I can't seem to get over how angry I am.  I don't have a victim attitude.  My friends and my therapist say it so I know I am not just kidding myself.  But I am the victim in this situation.  I was the one who was yelled at and terrorized.  I was the one who lived in fear.  I was the one who had to go to court to get a restraining order.  I was the one who listened to Tracy threaten the life of my bird.  I was the one who watched my 10 pound dog attack Tracy to protect me.  I am the victim in this situation.

I know Tracy has some sort of mental illness or something.  I know that.  I feel for her.  I gave her every opportunity to get help.  I know it is part of the illness to not want help.  I know people should feel sorry for her because now she is homeless.  I get it.

But in someways Tracy put herself in this situation.  Over the years she never saved barely a penny.  The few times she did save any significant amount she always tapped into it and spent it on something.  Usually beer and weed.  I find it hard to feel sorry for someone who didn't work, lived off me and spent any money she got (made or was given) on beer and weed.  Meanwhile I paid for her health insurance, dental work, and kept her in a house with cable, Netflix, and food.  A very comfortable lifestyle.  I also took her on trips.

I am angry because some folks in my family are feeling bad for Tracy.  They feel like Tracy is a victim.  Like oh poor Tracy.  Screw that!  Oh poor Campbell!  That is how it should be.  I am the victim in this situation.

If I hear one more person in my family say they feel bad for Tracy, I may crack.  She still has not picked up her crap and is insisting she wants more items from the house.  The 85 boxes of crap just isn't enough for her.  Now she wants lamps and furniture.  If she is homeless where is she going to put furniture?  I know she is not well but it is so hard to deal with when I want to move on with my life.  And I have family members telling me "oh poor Tracy".  Easy for them to say when they don't have to live with 85 boxes in their house that they have to see every day.

I just want my family to admit that I was the victim in this situation.  Not that I want to be a victim.  I just want to hear them say Campbell you were a victim of a domestic violence situation.  That is all.

more to come...

SLEEP

I wish I could sleep.  There are three scenarios.

1. I go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I am not very tired.  I get into bed and type my blog or read a magazine while I watch TV.  Then it is 11:30 and the dogs need to go out back.  I let them out and brush my teeth, take my medicine and pee.  I get into bed and watch TV.  Next thing I know it is 1:30 am.  The TV is on and I have to pee.  I get up, pee and set the TV timer.  I roll over and try to go back to sleep.

2. At 3 pm I am so exhausted I fall asleep working.  I literally can't keep my eyes open.  I nap for 20 - 30 minutes.  At 11 pm I go to bed, let the dogs out, get into bed, now I am not tired.  I am awake watching TV until 1:30 am.

3. I feel tired so I go down to watch TV in bed at 8 pm.  By 9 pm I am sound asleep in my clothes.  I wake up at 11 pm.  Now I am wide awake.

Then there is the insomnia.  Sometimes I wake up because I have to pee.  Sometimes it is because the dog wakes up and makes some noise (like last night Lulu started barking for no reason I could fathom).  Or my new problem, the nightmares.

I keep having nightmares that Tracy is standing by my bed or is in the room.  I wake up sweating and scared out of my mind.  I know it can't happen since I have an alarm system and two crazy barky dogs but I can't seem to make my unconscious understand this.  The nightmares are so scary and give me panic attacks.  I can't get back to sleep.

I have been told that I should breathe and tell myself that it was just a dream and that it can't possibly be true or come true.

I usually open my book and read until I fall asleep.  Thinking about something else is helpful for me.
I just need to figure out this sleeping thing.  I feel like I haven't slept in months.  When Tracy lived here I didn't sleep because she was always awake and yelling and talking.  Now I have peace and I still can't sleep because my unconscious won't let me sleep.  Crazy thing, huh?!

more to come...

IT"S ALL ABOUT YOU

Why isn't it ever about me?

I think back about the times it should have been about me but you made it all about you.  You were anxious, you were nervous, you had to leave, you didn't want to go, you couldn't be left alone.

There was my graduation from graduate school.  You made it all about you by throwing a fit when things didn't go your way.  My parents came all the way to see me walk down the aisle.  They planned a nice dinner and allowed me to invite a few friends at a very fancy restaurant.  But you had to make it all about you because you didn't want to be left alone with them and wanted me to be with you.  But I needed to be with my classmates to walk down the aisle.  You bought me a lei of flowers and my parents bought me a bouquet.  It was a competition in your eyes.  Why couldn't it just be a nice celebration?

Then there was the time I was in the hospital and you wanted me to checkout so you wouldn't have to stay home alone.  I understood you were anxious but who would checkout of the hospital early just so you would not have to stay home alone?  You were serious about me coming home.  You kept pressuring me to leave the hospital.

When I would go to the emergency room, you used to come with me but then you stopped.  I had to go on my own or have neighbors take me.  They all thought it was weird that you would let your loved one go to the emergency room while you sat home watching TV.  But when you need to go to any doctor's appointment it was clear that I had to escort you because you were so anxious about going.

When did this shift happen?  When did I become so insignificant in our relationship?  When did it become all about you?

more to come...

ISOLATION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The day before court I had an appointment with my primary doctor and he gave me some anti-anxiety drugs.  I was resistant at first to take the script but in the end I decided it was better to take the prescription than to not have it if I needed it.

The panic attacks were getting worse.  I would be driving and suddenly I would start breathing fast and crying.  I would be watching TV and have a panic attack.  They happened at the most random times.

The day after court I had the second half of my mediation training.  For homework I had to watch The House of Sand and Fog.  It is a great movie but probably not the best movie for me to watch in my "condition".  It is a movie about a woman who because of a tragedy loses her home.  An immigrant family buys it in an auction.  The woman tries to get it back through legal means and when that doesn't work, she and her new found friend, try to through other means.  Various horrible things happen as a result.  There is a lot of screaming and anger and violence.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night.  Bad dreams that Tracy entered the house in the night.

Mediation training was okay but I still had a problem with people yelling in the role plays.  I just fell apart.  I think it will take a long time for me to get over the yelling thing.  The entire group was so supportive.  I cried when the training was over.  I was such an emotional wreck.  I had such a support system and now it was going to end.  I felt like they were all being ripped away.

My whole family lives very far away and I kept my emotional and psychological violence situation with my partner from them.  The only people who knew was my friend Viola and at the very end, my Dad and his wife.  No one else knew what I was going through so I was very alone.

As what happens with so many people in domestic violence I was isolated.  I was isolated in the relationship and I was isolated because my partner was so paranoid that I was worried that if I spoke to anyone she would find out.  The couple of times she found out I spoke to someone (not even about her) she would rant and rave for hours and days and make my life miserable.  She went around to all of our neighbors and friends but I had to keep my mouth shut.  Domestic violence is very isolating.

more to come...

I AM NOT GOING TO HURT YOUR DAUGHTER

By this point I knew I was in need of help.

Tracy called my mother out of the blue to tell my mother that "I am not going to hurt your daughter."  This freaked my mother out since I had not told my mother that anything has been going on.  My mother called me scared for my life.  Tracy then called my father at midnight one night to ask him a question.  She was out of control.

I contacted the attorney my Palm Springs friend told me to. We spoke many times about if I was doing the right thing.  If I could go through with it.  If I had a strong enough case.  What I needed to do.  How to keep safe. She sent me the papers I needed to file for a temporary restraining order.  It was now on me to fill out the papers.

A vendor came by to fix something and he was completely shocked.  He helped us about 10 years ago and he could not believe the change in Tracy.  He asked me what was wrong with Tracy.  I had warned him before he entered the house that Tracy was being difficult.  Boy was she!  She stood back and glared at him the whole visit.  When I tried to introduce him to her, she said "I am not the one you need to be interested in."  When the vendor was done, we went outside and he told me he was shocked by the change in Tracy.  He said he worked as an EMT for many years and he can see she has some mental issues that she is not dealing with.  He spoke with me a long time and tried to convince me that I need to leave before Tracy becomes violent.  He said he saw many cases like this when he was an EMT and they never end well.  His advise: Get Out.

He also told me about a support group that his wife went to.  That support group didn't seem what I needed but it sparked an idea in my head.  I started looking up support groups for gay partners with mental illness.  I found a meeting but it was too many days away.  I found another meeting with NAMI that was for partners/family members of people with mental illness.  I took the bus to the meeting and met some very nice people.  So many of them had situations where their loved one hurt them physically.  Or they had to put them out of the house.  Most were parents with children.  There was only one other couple and she was almost done with her husband.  He had depression and kept going off his medicine without telling her.

The whole group was supportive.  The group supported my decision to get Tracy out of the house before she hurt me.  It is not her, it is the disease.  They wanted me to come back but since Tracy is gone, I don't see the point.It was the most support I had felt in a long time.  My friend Viola is wonderful but I felt like I was wearing her out.

I spent the long Memorial Day weekend finalizing my deposition for the restraining order.  I got the dog walker to send a deposition of when she came to pick up the dogs and Tracy was aggressive. She said "who is that?  What is she doing here?" in a really aggressive tone.   The dog walker was scared to leave me alone with her.

My mother sent in her deposition stating how scared she was when she got the phone call.

I kept adding to my deposition as Tracy kept getting more out of control.

more to come...

YES THIS IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

On the way home from the vacation on May 4th the flight was delayed.  I called Tracy from Palm Springs to let her know the flight was delayed.  I called her from the plane to tell her we would be taking off soon.  I had a horribly stressful trip home.  Took a cab to the house.  I walked in and Tracy laid into me.  Screaming and yelling.  "Why didn't you call me when you landed? Oh yeah, only responsible and respectful people call when they land to let those at home know they landed and are safe."  Huh?  I came directly home.  She knew when we took off.  I live 20 minutes from the airport and I didn't dilly dally.  You have got to be kidding me.  Turns out she said she wanted to have a nice spread ready when I came home to welcome me home but since we were delayed she didn't know when to get it ready.  Oh, okay.  Nice way to greet someone.

I decided in that instant that there was no way this was ever going to work.  I needed to file some papers to get her out of the house.  But first I would try to get her to leave on her own.  She has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness and I feel compassion and empathy for her but this relationship needs to end before someone gets hurt.

During that week I made it clear to Tracy that we were broken up. Or at least I thought I did.  I tried to.  I would say we were through and she would act that I never said it.  She would then say she wanted to take me out to dinner.  It was bizarre.  Like living in Groundhog Day.  Then she said would should redecorate the bathroom.  Change the color to something other than blue.  Get rid of the Winnie the Pooh stuff.  Huh?!

A week later on Saturday night there was a local party and I wanted to go.  Tracy would not go because we were fighting and she said people would see that we were not together.  She could not be seen in the same party as me.  She said she knew I was going around the neighborhood telling people we were not together.  It was so delusional.  I assured her that I was not talking about our issues to anyone in the neighborhood.  But she would not go.  I went on my own and had a good time.  When people asked where she was I told them I didn't know.

This began the delusional accusations.  She would accuse me of saying things to people, calling people.  She thought I had told everyone not to call the home phone number when in reality no one really called the home phone number for me anymore because I was never at home.  They all called my cellphone.  She was obsessed with the home phone situation.  Why did I never get phone calls anymore?

If I said something to someone and that person made an innocent made a comment to Tracy, it became a big issue.  Why did you say that to your step-mother?  One comment was about Tracy being on drugs.  My step-mother asked me if Tracy was taking her medication.  I said no.  My step-mother then got on the phone with Tracy and told Tracy that she needed to be taking medication.  I got an ear full of ranting about how I put my step-mother up to telling Tracy she needed to be medicated.  I tried to tell her that my step-mother takes things out of context but Tracy (who knows this) was irrational.  She went on about how I told everyone I wanted her on drugs hour upon day upon day.  I finally stopped talking to anyone who would talk to Tracy or if I did talk to anyone I had to swear them to secrecy.  I had to explain what would happen to me if they told her.

It wasn't jut the yelling.  The ranting.  The screaming.  It was the sleep deprivation because she never slept.  The comings and goings.  She came and left at all hours in a sneaky way.  She would storm upstairs and storm into my room with heels banging and doors slamming at all hours.  It didn't matter if I was asleep.  It was the obsessive cleaning.  It was the anger all the time, then the smiles that were ill.  The laughing that was demented.  The talking to her self for hours on end, one day for 8 hours straight.  It was the not knowing what was coming next but at the same time, the knowing what was coming next.  The fear that what was coming next was going to be a knife or a fist.  It was the intimidating stance that was too close when I was lying down and defenseless. It was the way the dogs trembled and jumped up on the nightstand.  It was all of it.

This is why I agreed to go to couples counseling.  Why you ask?  I had to keep up the illusion that we were together until I decided what I was going to do.  She was looking for anything out of the ordinary to "get me" for.

The next Saturday we were invited to another party.  I didn't tell her about it.  I went by myself and had a great time.

By this time we had separate lives.  I had moved into the upstairs bedroom.  Both dogs were sleeping with me.  She kept saying I was isolating her from all living things.  I said they are dogs.  If they wanted to be with you they would be.  She stopped taking care of the bird because she said it was my bird so it was my responsibility.  She would do things like get in a big argument about how if they are my dogs I had to be home every night to feed them.  I would rush home to feed them (once missing a dinner with my parents who were visiting from the East Coast) and get home only to find that she had fed them already.  Stating that she could not let them starve.

It was an emotional roller coaster.  Everyday it was a struggle to come home.  I never knew which Tracy would be there.  But I always knew the angry, frustrated, mean Tracy would be moments away.  One wrong look, one wrong comment, one wrong anything and mean Tracy would verbally lash out.  I learned that keeping my mouth shut was my best offense and defense.

It is amazing how long you can go without talking.  How quiet you can be.  How small a 5'9" person can become.  How a running dialogue in my head saved me.  How text messages from a friend made me laugh.

more to come...