The day before court I had an appointment with my primary doctor and he gave me some anti-anxiety drugs. I was resistant at first to take the script but in the end I decided it was better to take the prescription than to not have it if I needed it.
The panic attacks were getting worse. I would be driving and suddenly I would start breathing fast and crying. I would be watching TV and have a panic attack. They happened at the most random times.
The day after court I had the second half of my mediation training. For homework I had to watch The House of Sand and Fog. It is a great movie but probably not the best movie for me to watch in my "condition". It is a movie about a woman who because of a tragedy loses her home. An immigrant family buys it in an auction. The woman tries to get it back through legal means and when that doesn't work, she and her new found friend, try to through other means. Various horrible things happen as a result. There is a lot of screaming and anger and violence. I had a really hard time sleeping that night. Bad dreams that Tracy entered the house in the night.
Mediation training was okay but I still had a problem with people yelling in the role plays. I just fell apart. I think it will take a long time for me to get over the yelling thing. The entire group was so supportive. I cried when the training was over. I was such an emotional wreck. I had such a support system and now it was going to end. I felt like they were all being ripped away.
My whole family lives very far away and I kept my emotional and psychological violence situation with my partner from them. The only people who knew was my friend Viola and at the very end, my Dad and his wife. No one else knew what I was going through so I was very alone.
As what happens with so many people in domestic violence I was isolated. I was isolated in the relationship and I was isolated because my partner was so paranoid that I was worried that if I spoke to anyone she would find out. The couple of times she found out I spoke to someone (not even about her) she would rant and rave for hours and days and make my life miserable. She went around to all of our neighbors and friends but I had to keep my mouth shut. Domestic violence is very isolating.
more to come...
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