On the way home from the vacation on May 4th the flight was delayed. I called Tracy from Palm Springs to let her know the flight was delayed. I called her from the plane to tell her we would be taking off soon. I had a horribly stressful trip home. Took a cab to the house. I walked in and Tracy laid into me. Screaming and yelling. "Why didn't you call me when you landed? Oh yeah, only responsible and respectful people call when they land to let those at home know they landed and are safe." Huh? I came directly home. She knew when we took off. I live 20 minutes from the airport and I didn't dilly dally. You have got to be kidding me. Turns out she said she wanted to have a nice spread ready when I came home to welcome me home but since we were delayed she didn't know when to get it ready. Oh, okay. Nice way to greet someone.
I decided in that instant that there was no way this was ever going to work. I needed to file some papers to get her out of the house. But first I would try to get her to leave on her own. She has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness and I feel compassion and empathy for her but this relationship needs to end before someone gets hurt.
During that week I made it clear to Tracy that we were broken up. Or at least I thought I did. I tried to. I would say we were through and she would act that I never said it. She would then say she wanted to take me out to dinner. It was bizarre. Like living in Groundhog Day. Then she said would should redecorate the bathroom. Change the color to something other than blue. Get rid of the Winnie the Pooh stuff. Huh?!
A week later on Saturday night there was a local party and I wanted to go. Tracy would not go because we were fighting and she said people would see that we were not together. She could not be seen in the same party as me. She said she knew I was going around the neighborhood telling people we were not together. It was so delusional. I assured her that I was not talking about our issues to anyone in the neighborhood. But she would not go. I went on my own and had a good time. When people asked where she was I told them I didn't know.
This began the delusional accusations. She would accuse me of saying things to people, calling people. She thought I had told everyone not to call the home phone number when in reality no one really called the home phone number for me anymore because I was never at home. They all called my cellphone. She was obsessed with the home phone situation. Why did I never get phone calls anymore?
If I said something to someone and that person made an innocent made a comment to Tracy, it became a big issue. Why did you say that to your step-mother? One comment was about Tracy being on drugs. My step-mother asked me if Tracy was taking her medication. I said no. My step-mother then got on the phone with Tracy and told Tracy that she needed to be taking medication. I got an ear full of ranting about how I put my step-mother up to telling Tracy she needed to be medicated. I tried to tell her that my step-mother takes things out of context but Tracy (who knows this) was irrational. She went on about how I told everyone I wanted her on drugs hour upon day upon day. I finally stopped talking to anyone who would talk to Tracy or if I did talk to anyone I had to swear them to secrecy. I had to explain what would happen to me if they told her.
It wasn't jut the yelling. The ranting. The screaming. It was the sleep deprivation because she never slept. The comings and goings. She came and left at all hours in a sneaky way. She would storm upstairs and storm into my room with heels banging and doors slamming at all hours. It didn't matter if I was asleep. It was the obsessive cleaning. It was the anger all the time, then the smiles that were ill. The laughing that was demented. The talking to her self for hours on end, one day for 8 hours straight. It was the not knowing what was coming next but at the same time, the knowing what was coming next. The fear that what was coming next was going to be a knife or a fist. It was the intimidating stance that was too close when I was lying down and defenseless. It was the way the dogs trembled and jumped up on the nightstand. It was all of it.
This is why I agreed to go to couples counseling. Why you ask? I had to keep up the illusion that we were together until I decided what I was going to do. She was looking for anything out of the ordinary to "get me" for.
The next Saturday we were invited to another party. I didn't tell her about it. I went by myself and had a great time.
By this time we had separate lives. I had moved into the upstairs bedroom. Both dogs were sleeping with me. She kept saying I was isolating her from all living things. I said they are dogs. If they wanted to be with you they would be. She stopped taking care of the bird because she said it was my bird so it was my responsibility. She would do things like get in a big argument about how if they are my dogs I had to be home every night to feed them. I would rush home to feed them (once missing a dinner with my parents who were visiting from the East Coast) and get home only to find that she had fed them already. Stating that she could not let them starve.
It was an emotional roller coaster. Everyday it was a struggle to come home. I never knew which Tracy would be there. But I always knew the angry, frustrated, mean Tracy would be moments away. One wrong look, one wrong comment, one wrong anything and mean Tracy would verbally lash out. I learned that keeping my mouth shut was my best offense and defense.
It is amazing how long you can go without talking. How quiet you can be. How small a 5'9" person can become. How a running dialogue in my head saved me. How text messages from a friend made me laugh.
more to come...
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