I have been going to therapy for a chronic illness for a long time. My relationship with my partner has been a discussion that was off the table for a long time. I just didn't want to speak about my relationship. About nine months ago I started to talk about it because something happened and I wanted to discuss it. Then our friend Deirdre died. Then we had the issues with the dog, Lulu and Tracy. So I began talking about my relationship on a regular basis. Before we left for vacation, Tracy got upset about the pen for the dog. I mean really upset. Beyond rational upset. First yelling and ranting then crying hysterically. For some reason I recorded her. I guess I wanted someone else to hear the irrationally that I was living with. I played the recording for my therapist and he immediately said there is something going on. You can't stay in a house with this. This is abusive.
Until that point, I had not heard what he heard. I had been living with Tracy's ranting and yelling and screaming for so many months, I was immune. I didn't hear what outsiders heard. The cussing and the accusing and the demanding and the ordering. I knew it was bad but I didn't know it was that bad.
Then the crying about how she is sorry. She doesn't mean to yell like that. But if I wouldn't....she wouldn't....
Those tapes and my therapist opened my eyes and probably saved me.
more to come...
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