THERAPIST

My therapist has been my support through this whole nightmare.  He helped me see that Tracy's behavior is not normal and was abusive.  He helped me when I could not figure out where to go when my Plan A fell apart when I had to run from my home.  He took my phone calls at all hours of the day and evening and weekend.  Besides my friend Viola, my therapist is the only other person I could lean on and call to support me.

Now he is helping me put my life back together.  Helping me when all I can do is cry.  Help me when I can't sleep.  Help me when I am so bloody angry and frustrated.

He made me see that I was the person holding our home together for so long, now that Tracy was gone, I could finally relax and let out the emotions that were bottled up.  My home was a place of mental illness and horrible psychological, emotional and verbal abuse.  Yelling, talking to herself, not sleeping, blaming, paranoia.  Now that those things were removed, I could relax.  My body and mind were not used to being relaxed.  I had to retrain my body and mind.  What was normal?  I had to make a new normal. A normal I wanted.

I needed to sleep.  People thought I could not sleep because Tracy was not there.  NO.  It was because I had horrible nightmares about Tracy attacking me in my sleep.  Night after night I woke up sweating because I just had a nightmare that Tracy was standing over me in bed.  One particularly awful night months ago, Tracy and I were discussing something and it became heated.  I was laying down and Tracy stood over me, leaning over me, yelling at me, ranting, finger pointing, so close to me.  I felt trapped under the covers with her leaning over me, just inches from my face.  It was a moment that made me very scared.  That is why I can't sleep.

I am angry and frustrated because Tracy has left me in this situation.  Yes, I had her escorted out of the house and I have a restraining order against her but she had many chances to change her behavior and she chose not to.  I arranged for her to see a doctor many times and she refused to go.  She stopped taking her medication long before I knew she was.  I did everything I could to help her but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I am angry because this is not the way it was supposed to be after 22 years.  I am angry because I am left with a house that is in disarray.  I am frustrated because I am left with two dogs and a bird and a house and it was supposed to be the two of us.  Now I am a single mom to all these pets.  I am frustrated that I am in the position.  This is not where I wanted to be at 51 years old.

My therapy appointments are helping me to work through all these emotions that I don't know what to do with.  Teaching me techniques like deep breathing and meditation.  It has been quite  helpful and made me much more relaxed.  I also called my primary and he prescribed some anti-anxiety medication.  I haven't taken any yet.  I am not too keen to take any medication.  But it is good to have it if I need it.

more to come...